7 Lies that Stay-at-Home Moms Need to Stop Telling Themselves Immediately

Maternal Mental Health Awareness has become a sort of “passion project” of mine, especially this month. (After all, it IS Maternal Mental Health Awareness month). So if you’re here for the medical spouse aspect of life, bear with me for a couple more weeks.

I’m passionate about supporting other moms. Because from where I sit, I see a lot of moms whose stories go untold (including mine for the better part of 5 years).

I see moms who maintain their silence about the realities of their worlds in order to avoid appearing ungrateful or being judged by other (seemingly happier) moms.

I see moms whose needs are going unmet.

I see moms who feel pressured to set aside their hobbies, interests, or worse, their identities, because they believe that’s what is necessary in order to best raise their children.

I see moms who stifle their true feelings in a desperate attempt to will themselves into a happier place.

I see moms who are afraid to admit that they, too, have needs, whether it’s a date night babysitter, a super therapist, or something as simple as a double-shot espresso.

But I’m also hearing rumblings.

It’s the faint sound of a stampede in the distance, carried by the voices of moms that are putting words to their truths. They’re the voices of moms who want awareness and change and an environment which supports the individual experiences of each mom, free from judgement.

I’m proud to be one of these voices.

And this article, published in Glamour, has me talking. Read it here: “Stay at-Home-Mom Depression Is Real – and Women Are Finally Talking About It.” In the article, a psychologist talks about how depression can be caused by many triggers, and many stay-at-home-moms (SAHM) encounter one, if not several, of these (i.e., loss of a job, increased isolation, decreased meaningful social interaction, etc.) Then add the additional stressors some moms face, like a pre-kid history of depression or a previously full-time career, and you increase the chances that a mom will struggle with her new life at home.

Many moms, so many moms, (nearly ALL the moms, I believe), face some form of struggle and/or depression with SAHM life. But societal and personal pressures are speaking in to us, telling us that admitting that life is difficult is in some way saying that we are “ungrateful” for the immense blessing of being able to stay at home raising kids. That other moms wish they could have our lives, but can’t. The not-so-subtle messaging here is that we darn well better love SAHM life. And as for personal pressures, we SAHM’s can feel that we’re failing ourselves or our kids if we’re at all unhappy or are struggling in our efforts to soak up every second of these early years – that literally every person constantly reminds us is so precious. And it IS, we agree it is, but that’s not the point.

I believe we have an opportunity to resist these pressures and start changing these narratives that have been shaping our motherhood journeys. Where there has been guilt and shame, there should be empowerment, encouragement, and freedom to embrace our individualities as mothers.

Today, I’m suggesting that we start by tackling the lies that we are (and have been) telling ourselves about being SAHMs. About our jobs and lives. Because every SAHM needs to know that they (YOU) are valuable. Your feelings are valid.

The more that we talk about our experiences and tell our truths, the more that others are empowered to evaluate theirs.

Let’s stop allowing these lies to impact us as stay-at-home-moms:

Lie #1: It’s not okay to complain about being a SAHM.

What I wish, what I truly wish that everyone knew about stay-at-home moms is that the truth is, we ARE intensely grateful. We are grateful that we have our incredible kids. We are grateful for the flexibility to be able to stay at home with them, whether it’s by choice, or by necessity, for reasons that are financial, medical, or otherwise situational. The privilege of being with our kids is not lost on us.

But it’s still a full-time job. A fuuuuuulll-time job. Actually, it’s more than full-time job for most (see Lie #2). So, if you know anyone that has always loved every aspect of their full-time job, you send them to me and I’ll clear those lies right up.

Additionally, us moms are all wired differently.  None of us will love every part of the job. Some of us will even despise parts of it, if we’re really being honest. And that’s okay. That’s reality.

Our gratitude, however, does not cancel out the difficult aspects of SAHM life, and it shouldn’t. We can be equal parts appreciative of our opportunity, and annoyed by our child’s latest tantrum marathon.

Let’s be okay sharing what we love AND despise about our SAHM job. Both stories should be told, without a sense of guilt.

Lie #2: That being a SAHM isn’t a “real” job.

Every single job I’ve ever had has been easier than my SAHM job, in every way (and I’ve worked some tough jobs!) In terms of frequency of demands, hours worked, and levels of daily frustration, the SAHM job is straight-up one of the most difficult jobs you can have.

As any dedicated employee, SAHM’s have to put the job ahead of their own personal desires, making sure the kids are getting what they need all day long. And boy, the days are looong. Personally, on days my husband doesn’t make it home before bedtime, it can be a 13-15 hour day for me. Some days, depending on how naps work out, I don’t get a minute to myself. Then add in the bizarre sleep phases and my number of hours worked skyrockets. For example, there was a solid month when my “workday” started at 6:30am with my toddler shoving her hairbrush in my face demanding that I brush out her tangles immediately. And then there was that phase when another kid screamed herself to sleep at approximately 10:30pm for WEEKS (or was it months? It was for-ev-er).

My husband, a highly functioning and capable dude, is often telling me he could never do my job.

It’s a job. We, as moms, have to treat it like one in order to properly care for our children, and therefore, it should be recognized as such.

Lie #3: I should be able to do this by myself.

I once fell into this trap. I regularly asked myself why I couldn’t be more like my tenderhearted mom, who was home with my brother and I for months at a time, alone, while my Dad was out in the field doing army training. She survived. Why was it so hard for me?

I’ve come to the realization that motherhood isn’t meant to be done alone (and I think my mom would tell you that now, too). You NEED a tribe. You REQUIRE support. So yes, previous generations and others you see may appear to be mommying alone and thriving, but chances are, they’re not. They either HAVE help or they NEED help. Which one are you?

Lie #4. I am a terrible mom.

You, (yes you), are the very best mom for your children. Don’t go back in my archives, because I, too, have not only SAID these very words, and I even wrote them here for all of you to see and believe as well.

But I’ve realized that I am, in fact, NOT a terrible mom. You know what I’m terrible at? I’m terrible at being the same kind of mom that you are. And you, my dear friend, are terrible at being the same kind of mom that I am.

But you, YOU, are the PERFECT mom for your kids. You have everything you need to be great at mothering YOUR very children. And you are amazing at it. Because no one, NO ONE, can be who YOU are to those people.

Some days, I fail. Miserably. I yell even though I have never yelled at anyone else in probably my whole life. I am impatient when I wish I could just be eternally encouraging. I work when I really just want to be playing puzzles or legos with them. I make choices that I’m not always proud of. And sometimes, those choices make me feel like a terrible mom.

But I’m not.

And yeah, those things that I do that I wish I didn’t, I’m working on them. It’s good to have goals to strive to meet them.

But instead of letting those failures change how I feel about my competence as a mom, or my value as a mother, I’m making a choice to let them inspire me to improve, without the sense of guilt and shame of my failures.

Lie #5. Because my work is in the home, I am obligated to be responsible for all other household duties.

Sometimes I have carried guilt for not doing more around the house during the day, such as laundry, making hot meals, and other household projects (even though I feel like doing more would be impossible most days). Keeping children alive and healthy, as I said before, is a full time job. And I don’t know about you, but I am busting it all day just to accomplish this!

I am certain that there are some days when my husband walks in at the end of the day wondering what I’ve done all day. I know he would love it if I could have dinner ready in the evenings. And some days, (admittedly rarely), I do. I have actually told my husband that my job is to feed children. If he incidentally gets fed in the process, that should be considered a bonus, right?

My point here is that it’s unhealthy for each day to be filled with unattainable goals. Start with keeping children safe and alive, and work up from there when possible.

Lie #6. My kids would be better off if I was more like that ______ mom over there.

It’s not just okay, but it’s actually critical to embrace our different strengths and weaknesses as moms. Some of us really excel at discipline consistency, or organization, or patience, but really suck at meal prep and may detest bath time. I know some moms that dominate laundry and coordinating schedules and creating craft projects, but struggle with the strong emotions of their children and have an intense fear of their tantrums.

We are different. And it’s good. It’s so good.

I feel that embracing our differences is actually what’s better for our kids. We are better moms if we are healthy, happy moms. Trying to be someone we’re not is a fruitless, frustrating task; one that we will never succeed at. Let’s figure out who we are, work on become better versions of that, and let go the desires to be more of what our God-given selves are not.

Lie #7. I would do my children a disservice if I went back to work.

Going back to work after being at home can seem like a difficult choice to make. Other moms have gone back part-time when they realize they’re not coping well at home. If you’re trying to decide whether to stay at home or go back to work, just know that either option can be a great choice. You being your best self will be what’s best for your kids.

To those who worry they will be depriving their children of something by working, read THIS article by Harvard Business School. There is research that exists that tells us that children of working moms are more successful themselves and are also happier.

Working, if you want to, can be the right choice for your family. Staying at home, if you want to, can be the right choice for your family.

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So let’s try to let go of some of the comparisons and sources of guilt and shame. Let’s tell our truth to others, while at the same time, telling ourselves the truth.

We will be better mothers for it.

Thank you for joining me today! I would love to hear your stories. And go give the SAHM’s in your life a giant hug.

Can’t wait to see you next time! XO! ❤️❤️

Honestly,

-AM 🙂

More About Me: Hi! I’m Ann Marie, a blogging mama of 3 tiny gals, and a wife to a busy Orthopedic Surgeon. You can find me right here for a weekly smattering of inspiration for your motherhood journey, home, marriage (I see you other medical wives!), style, and beauty. You’ll find me most active on Instagram or Facebook for life between blog posts. And I truly can’t wait to see you there, friend. ❤️💋

To connect, shoot me an email at honestlyannmarie@gmail.com ❤️