When you look back on the whole of your life, what will have mattered?

I’m asking you. (Yes, you, my friend).

And I’m not going to let you off easy.

In your mind, click right on past the cliche single-word answers you’ve been taught to spout when someone asks you about your priorities. Truly ask yourself this powerful question, as if the answer you land on is coming straight from the elderly you. Imagine sitting in a room with her, blank page and pencil in hard. What would she say mattered?

The list I created last year in response to this very question was a catalyst in a cascade of change in my life.

But before we get to my answer, let me tell you what the elderly me is NOT going to say mattered when looking back on the whole of my life:

What will NOT have mattered:

• How many followers I had on social media
• If my business was profitable
• How long it took me to decorate that space
• If my double-chin in that photo was too distracting
• If I ever secured a “high-powered” job
• How many countries I visited
• How many days it took me to fold my freaking laundry
• How many views I have on this blog post.

These “metrics,” some of which were actually among my top goals in early 2021, are, I now realize, not aligned with what is most important to me in the big picture.

My actual answer to the question?

What I said would have mattered when looking back at the whole of my life:

• How well I loved God
• How well and generously I loved people (my family, friends, and others)
• How well I loved God’s creation
• How I encouraged others and made them feel
• How well I used my God-given gifts
• That the person I desired to be and the person I was were the same.

I was faced with answering this question at a time when I was already feeling frustrated with the path on which I had found myself. Comparing my answer here to the actual goals I was writing for myself brought me the clarity I needed to identify where the dissonance I was already experiencing in my life was originating from.

If you’re experiencing your own kind of dissonance…that feeling of being somewhere or doing things that are out of alignment with your purpose or calling…then scroll back up and answer the question if you didn’t already.

A Change will do you Good

How do your “what will have mattered list” and your short-term goal lists compare?

Let’s do a little analysis, shall we? With my two lists side-by-side, I started questioning why I was prioritizing all of these business-related goals. The backstory is that in early 2021, I decided to try my hand at making blogging into a profitable venture (really, I just wanted to pay the babysitter for the time I spent doing it, which seemed innocent at the time).

The jobs I had to work at to make this happen were making me miserable. The overwhelm over the pursuit of being “successful” was palpable and caused me to begin to resent the work of blogging. It left me snapping at my kids, squandering away some of the precious moments I actually get with my super-busy surgeon of a husband. In general, I was just no longer as present as I wanted to be with those in my life, suffocating under the weight of each deadline or brand to respond to. My well-intentioned measurable monthly goals had morphed into a tool I used to punish and shame myself instead of being a source of direction and encouragement.

On top of those overt downsides, were the invisible ones: The heaviest burden was the added load I stacked into the already heavy proverbial backpack I carried – filled with the pressures of measuring up as a mom, wife, friend, and now also a profitable blogger.

I was in a pretty dang exhausting and unhealthy cycle.

I finally admitted that I was unable to meet the many business-related goals I was setting for myself AND be the mother and wife I want to be at the same time.

Some women do the work/home balancing act well – I know of many. But it straight-up didn’t work for me, personally, and it took some painful trial and error to find out. Truthfully, there was no other way to do it. I had to go through it to get through it and it would have been at this time or some other time. But the answer was clear: business-related goals were not right for me in this season.

At this time, I realized my family needed my presence and health more than they needed my paycheck.

I recognize my ability to stay home with my kids, or not, comes with a truckload of privilege. I’m grateful to have options in a world where many do not. Truly grateful.

I needed to move on; move forward.

But if not this, then what?

I still had one more big obstacle to overcome: FEAR. And stick with me, because maybe it’s one of your fears, too.

Fear Can Keep Us Spinning

Are fears keeping you stuck? Spinning directionless? What are you actually afraid of?

For me (an enneagram 3 – the Achiever – my enneagram journey is HERE), my biggest fear is that of failure or worthlessness. For me, it’s terrifying to think of reaching the end of my life and feel like I haven’t been “successful” enough.

I was afraid of disappointing myself, God, my family if I didn’t accomplish something…something big.

But remember that first list? The elderly me didn’t say those things were important. God doesn’t tell me my worth is based on what I’ve achieved, and He is worth listening to.

It’s not something I even want to admit here, but I feared…like really truly feared in the scariest place of my inner fear, that if I fully accepted and allowed myself to embrace and and find fulfillment in my role as a stay-at-home mom, that I would be leaving some of my potential on the table.

I can confidently say now that that is a lie. It is not true for me and certainly not for you.

But that fear, that lie, ever since I quit my job as a Speech-Language Pathologist, has been creating all kinds of resistance in me and driving me to try all kinds of (very) interesting, but ultimately unfulfilling things that kept me spinning my wheels, striving to create “successful” ventures for myself and searching for other external sources of value. It’s a quest for that will leave us falling short every time.

With this new awareness came curiosity. The questions then became:

“Is it possible to shift my entire mindset, where being a stay-at-home mom becomes THE work that actually brings fulfillment instead of the other things?

Can I make my stay-at-home-mom job the “main thing” and the other things become the fun, non-stressful outlets for me to be creative and use some of my other gifts?

Can I get past my fears about this feeling like “not enough?”

My “what will have mattered list” was screaming “YES.”

THIS was where the efforts in my next chapter needed to go.

So I did the thing – I quit my blogging business.

That was well over a year ago.

I haven’t seen you since.

“Reinvent yourself over and over and over and over and over until you find home. There is no timeline for the soul.”

― Malebo Sephodi

A new thing.

I Marie Kondo’d the crap out of my life at that point. I got REALLY clear about my core values, simplifying the earlier “what will have mattered list.”

Love God

Love People

Love Creation

I released my grip on all other things and held tightly to this.

And slowly, I started looking at my values and focused on saying yes to the choices that reflected them.

What kind of changes are we talking about?

Apparently I garden now (Love Creation).  I am stepping up to relaunch the Seattle chapter of Side by Side (a ministry of CMDA to support medical wives) (Love God). I joined a gym (Love People – myself!). I have a renewed connection to my faith and increased my commitment with leading worship (Love God). I have prioritized cultivating new friendships and better investing in those I have (Love People). Tim and I recently made a loose plan to visit all of the National Parks in the US (Love Creation).

And now, as it relates to this space, I’ve decided to “unquit” blogging in order to continue showing up and encouraging you moms and medical spouses I treasure so much (Love People – YOU). But this time, I’m doing it in a way that doesn’t require sacrifices from my family (hello boundaries), doesn’t fuel anxiety or guilt (goodbye goal sheet), but still allows me to be present in a community where I find value as a contributing member and a recipient of the community provided.

It’s okay to change.

I believe that you and I know, deep down, when the direction we’re headed is out of alignment with our core values.

It’s that pit in your stomach that rises up to your throat when you see that dreaded task pop up that doesn’t feel right to execute anymore. It’s skipping another workout because you had that extra glass of wine that you knew you actually didn’t want or need (again). It’s the feeling we get after we lose our temper with our kids and wonder why we can’t seem to stop ourselves from yelling. It’s saying your relationship with God is most important but you haven’t picked up your Bible in, like, maybe two months. It’s wanting to love your parents well but struggling to call them regularly. In all of these situations, I believe we can meet them with grace for ourselves, and curiosity, asking ourselves, is there another way?

Are there changes we need to make, moving away from something no longer serving us or moving toward something more in alignment with our values? If we made that change, how would we feel?

It’s okay to decide that something you thought you wanted is actually costing you too much.

It’s okay to change course when you determine that the thing you treasured has turned toxic.

It’s okay to no longer want the things you once wanted.

It’s okay to try something new and realize the grass wasn’t actually greener on the other side.

It’s okay to embrace a season of rest, when all you’ve known are seasons of hustle.

It’s okay, my friend, to change.

love + Blessings,

Ann Marie ❤️