Factors We Considered Before Beginning a Family During Residency: the Physician Perspective

Family Planning during Medical Training: Part 1 of 4

Are you struggling with how to make a decision about whether to have kids now, or wait until the end of training? Maybe you would love to have a family NOW, but are wondering how much will it impact the spouse who is in their training years? Can you afford it? Will you have a baby during the training years and then end up regretting the decision?

We debated these questions for YEARS. Literally years.

In fact, if ever I was to write a book, it would probably be about this.

So consider this 4-part series your free, mini e-book.

(You’re WELCOME)

J/k. Ha.

Anyway, we have SO MUCH to talk about.

Cutting to the chase, my husband and I decided to try to begin our family during the 3rd year of his 5-year residency in Orthopedic Surgery. Getting to the point where we both wanted kids; that lovely place where we were both thrilled with the decision to start trying, was the result of many, many thoughtful, but difficult, conversations, prayers, and planning. We both agonized over the decision. I still get butterflies in my stomach when I think about that voicemail that he sent me the day he was ready for us to begin our family. (Yes, I still have it saved). I’ll talk more about this in part 3 of the Family Planning series.

But the year and a half leading up to that voicemail was fraught with questions about whether or not having kids during training was the right move. We endlessly dissected the incredible amount of factors involved in the decision.

I kept a little journal about it back then, which I have reread (painstakingly), in order to recall how I was feeling and then compare it to my perspective today (3 kids and an attending position later). In fact, back then, he and I both wrote out a list of concerns we had about beginning our family in training versus waiting until fellowship was complete.

Today, we are going to look at those concerns from the perspective of the spouse who is in training. I am going to present my husband’s list, and how I feel about those concerns TODAY (after 5 years)! You just may have these same hesitations!

Before we get to the list, I 100% believe that everyone’s experience is unique, and while I can tell you what was right for us, our experiences may not be what is right for you and your family. So, communicate with your partner, do some self-reflection, pray pray pray, (maybe not in that order), and use this list as a starting point or supplement to those other analytical behaviors.

Here’s the list of concerns and potential barriers that my husband came up with, and how they ended up playing out in real life. I will notate them as “debunked” or “validated.” Sound like fun? You betcha! Here we go!

1. Concern that there will be a shifting focus from career to baby, at the expense of career, for the spouse in medical training.

MOSTLY DEBUNKED.

Because the spouse who is in training has already sacrificed so much (more on that HERE) to be where they are in their training, it can seem concerning to add another priority. This is especially true for a baby that will undoubtedly rise to a higher place on the ole’ priority list than the education being sought. And the implications of adding another priority in general is worrisome. There are already many obligations and stressors on the plate of an individual in training. Thinking about adding MORE, especially a tiny person who will be unequivocally loved, lends itself to the thought that maybe it would just be better not to introduce that potential distraction right now. After all, what person in their right mind would choose another hour of studying for an in-training exam over cuddles and belly laughs with their squishy little mini-me?!

Obviously, I can understand this concern. I, in fact, also love squishy babies. However, in our lives, my husband did end up being able to balance the demands of both baby and career. One reason for this was that the timing of our first child’s birth was rather perfect. It was during one of the only low-stress rotations he had, and he was able to leave early some days, and even take some additional days off around the time of the baby’s birth. When the baby grew, I was able to work important things I wanted him to be at around his work schedule. I checked with him first and gave him lots of notice and reminders.  

Studying at home was more tricky. He eventually began studying at the hospital in order to avoid interruption, and ultimately, he was more efficient this way and able to spend even MORE time with us at home.

2. Concern that the parent who is in training will miss time in child’s life due to intense time obligations of Medical School/Residency/Fellowship.

DEBUNKED.

My husband was worried that if we had kids while he was in residency, that he would miss important moments in our child’s life because he was working.

Fortunately for all of us, this concern did not end up coming to fruition. His faculty leaders were rather understanding of the very few times my husband’s presence was required at home due to having a little babe, despite the fact that he was the first of all of the residents in his program (there were 8) to have a child.

The response of the program faculty will depend on the stage of training and the culture within the program. If the program is protective over new parents and the obligations that coincide with that, then GREAT! Yippee! This probably won’t be an issue. But if the leaders of the program expect undivided attention from every trainee, then you may be in for some drama. This is a great reason to talk to other residents or med students that have paved the way, and see how the faculty handled it previously.

3. Concern that we would have to dramatically change our lifestyle after having a baby, due to the financial impact a spouse working less and the baby requiring expensive items.

DEBUNKED.

I was making a decent salary working full time as a Speech-Language Pathologist, and then went part-time after the birth of our first. We cut back on a few expenditures, but were able to make it work just fine on a residency income without intense sacrifices. Honestly, the baby probably cost what we no longer paid in travel expenses. Being a DINK (dual-income, no kids) was pretty great while my husband was in residency, and we were fortunate to have saved a little bit of money in preparation for our child, so it wasn’t a complete punch in the gut. PLUS, people give you a TON of stuff for your first child. Everyone was so kind and generous. It made a huge difference in our financial situation at the time.

4. Concern that having an infant may cause even more sleep loss to the sleep-deprived spouse who is in medical training.

VALIDATED.

I did my best to prioritize my husband’s sleep over my own. Our child was not a particularly good sleeper, and I distinctly remember several days of going to work on about 4 hours of sleep. But it was a lot safer for ME to go to work sleep-deprived, than for my husband who spent a lot of his day holding a scalpel. 

When our baby was little, if my husband was getting over-tired over the course of several days, I had him sleep in the guest bedroom, away from the baby and the monitor, so he could get uninterrupted sleep. He was able to return that favor at times, which was nice!

I considered this a part of my personal sacrifice for being the driving force behind having kids during residency.

5. Concern that having a baby would limit the ability to travel for pleasure.

VALIDATED.

I wish I had better news here, but we have not gone on a big vacation with just our family since having our first daughter. Our youngest is 9 months old and we think we’re a couple of years away from a vacation like the many we prioritized during med school and residency.

I’m sure I’ll write about this at some point, but I STRONGLY RECOMMEND (like, picture me jumping up and down shaking your shoulders), that the spouse who is in training takes all of their given vacation for trips together, whether you’re having a baby right away or not. My husband took all of the weeks possible for vacation every year, and it was the highlight of our time together pre-kids. Yes, it’s a pain in the booty to coordinate the coverage, but it is WELL WORTH IT. Life-changing-ly worth it. And trust me, ain’t nobody paying you for those 3 weeks anyway, so might as well be out of the hospital and out where the air is fresh!

So there we have it. Have any of you had these same concerns? If you’ve been through it, how did they play out in your lives? Validated? Debunked?

Next time, in Part 2 of the series, we discuss the factors from the spouse of the physician in training (yep, that’s me). Be sure to subscribe so you don’t miss it! Or follow me on Instagram or Facebook for my new post alerts and other shenanigans!!! It’ll be a party!

Thank you for joining me today on this crazy medical ride! Can’t WAIT to see you next time!!!

All the love,

Honestly,

-AM 🙂

More About Me: Hi! I’m Ann Marie, a blogging mama of 3 tiny gals, and a wife to a busy Orthopedic Surgeon. You can find me right here for a weekly smattering of inspiration for your motherhood journey, home, marriage (I see you other medical wives!), style, and beauty. You’ll find me most active on Instagram or Facebook for life between blog posts. And I truly can’t wait to see you there, friend. ❤️💋

To connect, shoot me an email at honestlyannmarie@gmail.com ❤️

Photo Credit to the lovely and insanely talented JolieMaePhotography