Starting a Family during Medical Training: Part 2 of 4

Well, hello there!!! ❤️ I’m so glad you’re back!

Just to make sure you’re in the right class, you’re jumping in here on Part 2 of my series on family planning during medical training. In Part 1: Factors We Considered Before Beginning a Family During Residency: the Physician Perspective, we broke down the concerns that my husband (he’s an Orthopedic Surgeon) had before we started to try for a fam in residency.

There were a lot.

I understood.

Actually, looking back at my husband’s list, I had many of the same concerns on his behalf! I didn’t want to have a child impact his ability to reach his career goals. I really, really WANTED him to do well in training, to not be distracted, and to not be spread too thin. We’re talking about his lifelong career, his ability to impact the lives of all of his future patients, our livelihood. These things were important to both of us. I knew if we had a child, we would both really have to sacrifice and work together for him to continue to excel in his training. We both wanted to be ready for that.

So what are we talking about today? Well, even though my husband and I share almost all of the same desires, the perspectives of the person completing the training, and their spouse (if not in training) can be quite different. So today I’m bringing you MY list of factors involved in beginning a family in Residency, which is specific to me as the spouse of the doc in training.

But LET THE RECORD SHOW that none of these concerns were deal-breakers. NONE.

Though we considered these factors, we were still willing to move forward with beginning a family in Residency (and we had our first daughter during Chief year – year 5 of 5). Yes, these concerns may have slowed down my eagerness at first, but ultimately, I was thrilled and excited for the next step for us. Plus, there were many factors in favor of having a child, which I discuss today, as well!

So let’s get to it. Maybe you are struggling with similar questions? If so, here’s my take on all of it! I will notate whether, retrospectively, the concerns ended up being validated or debunked!

Here we go!

1. Concern that I would be doing most of the difficult parenting moments on my own due to my husband’s work demands.

VALIDATED.

Yes, I would say this was a valid concern. And maybe that’s because about 15 minutes ago I was looking for a rope to tie my screaming 4-year old’s door closed while my husband is at work. (Update: couldn’t find one. Lucky her.) I have friends with husbands who have normal-ish jobs and are home for dinner nearly every night and don’t do many if any, work trips. As many of you know, a spouse who is in training is lucky to make it home for dinner ANY night and is often away for long shifts or trips to conferences, with means a lot of solo parenting and nights alone. This is, by far, the hardest part of the whole “married to medicine” parenting package, in my opinion.

My best advice here is to be prepared. You WILL be alone more than you’d like to be, so seek help wherever you can get it! There WILL be tough times, but the more prepared you are mentally and emotionally, the better you will handle it. Call in your parents for reinforcement. Get your bestie to plan a trip out to see you for moral support. Say YES when someone offers to provide you with a meal train.

This actually ties in to another big concern I had:

2. Concern that my family was far, far away and unable to help me often.

MOSTLY VALIDATED.

My parents were able to help me out some right around the births of my children, which was quite lovely. And my husband’s parents live within driving distance so they were/are always willing to lend a helping hand as well. I ended up having all of my girls via c-section, so help was imperative. It really would be nice to call up my parents when my babysitter cancels and have them jet over, but it’s not possible with them over 2,000 miles away.

To those of you with family support nearby – use it! How blessed you are!

Fortunately, now that my husband is an attending and I am done being pregnant, I am able to travel to see my family more often. Whoo-hoo!

3. Concern that finding daycare is a logistical problem and it is also expensive.

VALIDATED.

True and true. Seattle has a CRAZY problem with daycares being full. I am/was a Speech-Language Pathologist and was working part-time. We ended up hiring a nanny for the first year until our daughter was old enough to go to the daycare we preferred. The expense of childcare cut my earnings in half but was still worth it to me for so many reasons, including the satisfaction I got from my job and the importance of social experiences to my child. It’s not fun to search for and pay for child care, but in my opinion, it’s also not a deal-breaker.

4. Concern that a baby would not fit in our small apartment.

VALIDATED.

This was a real problem for us. Our baby ALMOST had to live on the treadmill. Lucky for her, when I was pregnant, we ended up in a situation where we were able to rent a larger space from a friend, for a price that was close to what we paid for our apartment. Major SCORE!!! Obviously not every hopeful parent will be so lucky.

But I also think about people living in bigger cities, on a resident salary, where rent is astronomical. No one said it would be easy, but somehow they find a way to pack lots of people and things neatly into tight spaces. It’s not for me, personally, but any determined family can come up with a solution that works temporarily.

5. Concern that having a child will make an already busy life significantly busier, in a negative way.

MOSTLY DEBUNKED.

Anyone having a child will probably relate to this concern, medical family or not. Having a kid definitely does increase the “to-do” list. But I find that I happen to enjoy the added “to-dos” of being a mom. So this concern didn’t turn out to be true in my life, personally. Am I a true weirdo for enjoying doctor’s appointments and gymnastics lessons?

6. Concern that I won’t have time for my hobbies that make me feel like “me.”

MOSTLY VALIDATED.

In my case, this has been a valid concern, but only for a season. My oldest is 4 and I am slowly prioritizing back my hobbies. Let me tell you, it feels great. No, I don’t feel like I can do marathon training right now because it would put too much stress on my family, but I CAN run the 12K I signed up for this weekend. I can’t join a choir, but I CAN pick up my guitar for a few minutes a couple of times a week, or meet up with my friend for an hour of singing (yes, this has really happened and it’s the absolute BEST).

Once again, it’s just about having realistic expectations. If you think your life after having a kid will look like your life before having a kid, you’re probably going to be disappointed. But if you’re open to change, you’ll be excited about each season, and particularly when you find ways to do the things you loved to do again. One unique barrier, however, is that it’s a bit tricky when your spouse is super busy and unable to watch the kids while you do you, so you’ll have to be more creative to figure out how to make that work.

Whew. Okay, that was a LOT. I know it was. Turns out that most of my concerns were surprisingly pretty valid.

However, if your head is now exploding or you’re feeling really discouraged about the downsides, have no fear, because there are some factors to consider that are in favor of starting your family during the training years.

The Pros

1. Having a child in training versus after training means that you are beginning your family at a younger age.

There are two “pros” here: 1. When training is finally over, your kids will be old enough to truly enjoy the adventures you now have the time and financial capacity to provide. Otherwise, you could be waiting a few more years for those big adventures ahead.

And 2. You will be a younger age when your kids grow older. I mean, duh. But what I’m trying to say, is that when your kids are in school, you won’t be the age of some grandparents. You will still, God willing, be physically active, able to work, help them move home from college every year, etc. And in my case, maybe my girls will be running that 12k with me sometime in the next 5-10 years?

2. If you wait for the perfect time, you may wait forever.

This applies to every person and profession, but life seems to be constantly throwing curveballs. You think things will be easier for your family once the trauma rotations are behind your spouse, or in the winter when “call” isn’t as busy. But then once that is over, you will realize that your spouse now has to start studying for an upcoming exam, or complete what seems like 82 research projects.

Or maybe it’s your home life…you start planning a trip, or realize you need to sell your car, or have to move apartments, or decide to start a book club…whatever it is that seems to be keeping you “too busy” thinking about planning your family will probably just keep evolving into some other seemingly prohibitive obligation.

The perfect time just might be now.

3. You may encounter issues with fertility when you do begin, which would push back your timeline even further.

As much as you may try to plan the “perfect time” to start a family, you may encounter other obstacles, such as fertility issues. I’m not saying this necessarily the best reason to start trying for a fam earlier, because you could also be successful in your first attempt, so be prepared either way, if possible.

When my husband and I were ready to start trying, it was another year before I was pregnant. Ultimately, the timing ended up working out to perfectly coincide with an easy rotation of his, which was a blessing in disguise. But that year of trying was really tough on me, which I’ll talk about in part 4 of the family planning series.

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

So much to mull over and digest here. Obviously, there is a LOT to cover! Good thing there are 2 parts left in my series!

Should you be one of the many brave souls that choose to start your family during medical training, whether it is during Medical School, Residency, or Fellowship, both partners should be prepared to sacrifice. And a child is, 100%, worth sacrificing for!

Join me on Tuesday: Starting a Family during Medical Training: Part 3 of 4 – When Your Ideas About Timing Don’t Align

THIS. THIS is something I’ve really had on my heart for a long, long time. It’s a tough subject, and I hope that by talking about it, other couples can come to a place of mutual understanding and support! Can’t wait to see you there. Or you can follow me on Instagram or Facebook for my new post alerts.