When You’re Ready but it’s Not Happening: My Story + 5 Lessons I Learned from Trying to Conceive
Family Planning during Medical Training: Part 4 of 4
You made it to Part 4 of my series! I am proud of you. And me. But mostly you. 💋
Quick recap for those of you jumping in here…Parts 1 & 2 were all about the factors involved in even deciding to TRY to have kids! It was a tough decision for us so I talked about it from the physician perspective (right here in Part 1) and from the spouse perspective (check out part 2!) Then in Part 3, we discussed how to get on the same page as your partner about WHEN to have kids!
So here we are in the journey. Now that you and your partner are on the same page, it’s time to start trying to have that baby you’ve been wanting!
But what if it doesn’t happen?!
Today I’m coming at you with 1. My proactive approach to trying to have kids, and 2. Lessons I learned based on nearly a year of trying.
Oh, and yay! This one applies to ANYONE thinking about having a baby or already trying. It is NOT specific to medical families!
My Proactive Journey
I’m just going to go ahead and apologize now for the TMI about to happen.
Also, if you haven’t figured out that I’m a liiiiittle crazy yet, we are about to confirm that pretty quick like. Some of my behavior here is downright embarrassing (and does not represent the attitudes or beliefs of my husband 😂).
Thanks for sticking with me.
If you really read part 3 of the series, you know that I was anxious to start our family. So when the right time came for us to expand our family, I wanted to be prepared by doing as much research as possible to figure out how to get pregnant quickly.
SURE. You could 100% just pull the goalie and “see what happens.”
Or, if you’re a ridiculous Type A like me, you could do everything you can to make it happen immediately.
I was 29 at the time, and READY.
Oh, and I gotta tell ya: there ARE affiliate links in this post, which means that if you make a purchase from clicking a link, I’ll get a small commission. Thanks (oh so much) for supporting me and the products and brands I love! It helps keep thangs goin’ over here.😘 And believe me when I say it had no influence on my selections!
So before we even started trying, I randomly found and read this book, “The Impatient Woman’s Guide to Getting Pregnant” – $12.99 (Amazon) by Jean M. Twenge, Ph.D. I was clueless about ovulation and I found this to be an easy, encouraging read that laid a nice foundation for me about what goes on with the female body.
I followed her advice. I started taking vitamins, and got a basal body temperature thermometer, along with a bunch of cheapie ovulation and pregnancy tests. BECAUSE I’M CRAZY LIKE THAT. Have I mentioned that I REALLLLLY wanted a baby?
I also downloaded an app where I could track everything related to my cycles and conception. I love the app I bought, Lily (it appears to be free now).
I really wasn’t sure what was going to happen to my body after I stopped taking birth control. After all, I had been on it for about 7 years. I wanted to be sure I was ovulating, and with a combination of taking my temperature + ovulation tests, I was going to try to figure it out.
On a scale of 1 to loony tunes, I know I’m looking like a 9 right now, and honestly I can’t even explain the behavior other than to say when I commit to a process, I COMMIT.
Once we began trying, unfortunately, my first cycle was 41 days long. The next was 58 days, followed by a monstrous 85 day cycle. I was agonizing over every single day of each of these cycles, as it was obvious that I had a major problem with my body. So as soon as that insanely long cycle FINALLY ended, I decided I HAD to do something. Most doctors will advise that if you’re under 35 and healthy, you should wait 12 months before seeing a doctor about fertility. But because I was tracking my ovulation and had such incredibly wonky cycles, I KNEW something was wrong and there’s no way I could sit around twiddling my thumbs as I tried to break the world record for longest cycle.
I made an appointment to my GYN/primary care doc, and she did three major things to help me: 1. She referred me for an ultrasound to find out how my ovaries were looking, 2. She did some initial blood work (all came back normal except that I was anemic), and 3. She referred me to an OG/GYN who could help me with basic fertility assistance.
I quickly went and completed the ultrasound which showed that I had…
PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome).
I had suspected this because of all the research I had done trying to diagnose myself (NOT recommended). But it was nice to finally have some answers. I was actually encouraged at this point, because now I had some doctors on my side ready to help me. And my PCOS wasn’t so bad that I wasn’t ovulating at all which was a relief. Not everyone is so fortunate. Also, (a BONUS), my appointments could be covered by insurance because I needed PCOS treatment.
I counted down the days until my appointment with the OB/GYN fertility doc. Maybe this would be a new beginning for our efforts! I was incredibly excited and anxious. The appointment itself was difficult to make. I had to take a long lunch and drive an hour each way, during the middle of my work day.
Side story: I got pulled over on the way for speeding and driving “erratically” (which I have literally NO recollection of). Let me tell you how fast that officer ran away from my car when I told him I was late for my first fertility appointment 😂😂😂😂!
The OB/GYN I saw was amazing! When I finally got to her after the “erratic” drive, she helped me with a few things:
- She prescribed me Provera (10mg) to end my current cycle. As my last one was 85 days, she expected that the madness would continue, so there was no use waiting around as I was already on day 35 at the time of my appointment.
- She prescribed me three cycles worth of Letrozole (Femara 5mg), to help me ovulate more normally. Clomid is another popular option but it has more side effects and not as great results. I was very happy she chose Letrozole after learning more about it.
Sadly, after all three cycles of Letrozole, I was not pregnant. I began looking up fertility clinics and started planning that as a next step for us. A fertility appointment was not covered under our insurance plan, however, and was likely to be very expensive (over $1,000).
So I tried one last-ditch effort. I emailed the OB/GYN I had seen, and begged for one last round of Letrozole. She agreed, but clearly stated that this would for sure be the last. I prayed and prayed. My cycles had been between 30 & 35 days on the medication (much more normal), so I just really felt like it should be working. But research shows that chances of getting pregnant after the first few cycles of a medication like are most likely, and success rates go down after that, which likely explains why they don’t like to prescribe too many rounds.
During that final cycle, and every cycle, really, I couldn’t help but take an incessant amount of pregnancy tests. I have a very bad (and likely unhealthy) habit of taking tests too early, when they’re negative, at like 7 days past ovulation. But on day 9, I swore I saw a liiiiittle something where the positive line should be. I even went as far as to post a picture of the test to the “trying to conceive” board on BabyCenter where people “tweak” tests. Basically, they zoom in on where the line should be, do some finageling with the photo contrast settings, and they can sometimes tell you if there’s a line or no line. Sure, you could also just wait until the next day or later in the day, even, and take another test, but I’m far too impatient for that. And we already BLEW PAST the line of what is normal behavior in this situation. So, whatever. Here’s the pic I posted. Do you see anything? I did.
An hour after I posted that picture to that group board, I still remember exactly what happened. I was sitting in my parent’s church that morning (we were on vacation at their house), and I was naughty and looked at my phone to see if I had any responses from the test tweakers. I had. TWO people had tweaked my test and posted something to the effect of, “I think it’s positive! Congrats!” I didn’t hear much of the sermon that day.
It would be hours later when I would take another test and see the line clearly with my own two eyes. Sadly, Tim had flown back to Seattle that day for work, so we had to do the big reveal over FaceTime. Here’s a pic from that exciting moment!
We were fortunate to have that lil’ baby stick around. She was born in August of 2014.
And want to hear something wild? After that baby, I got pregnant the next 3 of 4 cycles we tried. Once with our middle child, once with a baby we very sadly miscarried very early, and once with our littlest babe. Without medication. Naturally. So for me, having our first child seemed to be a regulating factor that I am immensely grateful for!
That’s our story. It’s missing a LOT, including the emotions surrounding the process, the disappointment after each failed attempt, the strengthening of my relationship with God as a result, my husband’s perspective in all of this, etc. But for brevity sake, I won’t go on today.
I’m so, so glad our story had the ending that it did. These 11 months were some of the most emotionally taxing of my life thus far. And 11 months is NOTHING compared to what many, many other hopeful parents are going through. I pray each story ends with a sweet little baby to love for all of you.
So now, what did I learn from all of this? So, so much. Let’s summarize the main points:
5 Lessons I Learned from Trying to Conceive
1. Educate yourself.
Before you even start trying, there are a host of things you can do to educate yourself, at a basic or complex level, depending on where your head is at.
At a basic level, if you don’t already understand the female body and fertile times, learn this. It’s fascinating and will be super helpful. As I mentioned earlier, I read “The Impatient Woman’s Guide to Getting Pregnant,” which goes into detail about what you need to know. This book also includes a timeline of other actions you can take up to a year before you start trying, i.e. researching insurance and maternity leaves, getting off birth control, starting vitamins, etc. There are a billion other similar books you could read, this just happens to be the one I picked and enjoyed.
The complex version: If you’re wanting to dive in a little deeper and get into all of the possible evaluation measures (like I did), you can also learn to chart and analyze your cycles. “Taking Charge of Your Fertility”, by Toni Weschler, is my book recommendation for that. A lot of the book is about Natural Birth Control, but it goes super in-depth about how to take your temperature and evaluate your results. The other book also discusses it, but I constantly referred back to the charting info from this book, specifically.
2. Get the supplies!
Should you choose to take the more complex route outlined above, you will need some supplies. Here are the things I got:
- A basal body thermometer. To start tracking your temperature every morning, you will need one. I had a hard time finding one I loved, but just a simple one will do. It looks like they’ve upped the thermometer game in the last couple of years, so should be easy to find one, but I can’t recommend a specific one since none of those I used are currently available.
- Ovulation tests. I got cheap ovulation strips on Amazon to help predict ovulation. I tried the more expensive tests, but they seemed to be equally accurate. Taking your temperature tells you IF you ovulate, whereas ovulation tests can help tell you before you actually ovulate. I did the ovulation tests and then confirmed my ovulation using my charting. Wondfo was my favorite brand but ClinicalGuard is good, too!
- Pregnancy tests. Same story here, I got cheap ones and found them to be very close in accuracy to the expensive ones. And my, oh my, are the expensive tests EXPENSIVE! Like $12.99 for 2! So that pile in my picture is worth a loooot. You can buy packs of Wondfo strips that have both ovulation and pregnancy tests in them, which is really quite handy. For a final confirmation, I personally splurged for the expensive ones, but it’s not necessary, IMO. First Response was my fav.
- A cycle charting book or app. When you get those temperatures, you need somewhere you put them! I loved my app, Lily.
- Prenatal vitamins. You’ll want to start these up at least 30 days before you get pregnant, if possible. I needed one that was to be taken just once a day, so I went with these: Rainbow Light Prenatal One because they were recommended in one of the books and had an ideal amount of folic acid.
- Other vitamins. I got some others that the author of the book I read recommended, like Fish Oil, CoQ10, B6, calcium. But talk to your doctor and see what they recommend!
For me, more information was better, but I think I’m in a small percentage of the population, so you just decide what is right for you!
3. Talk about your journey with a friend.
You may be tempted to discuss every detail about the process with your spouse, and you can certainly do that if they’re into it. My husband is much more patient and less impulsive than I am, so he wasn’t as excited about my daily testing and analysis of what my temperatures might be telling me, and how dark my ovulation test line today was in comparison to yesterdays. I think it’s highly unlikely you will be the exact same as your partner in regards to testing and waiting behavior, so be prepared for that. He may not appreciate a routine of you waving things that you’ve peed on in his face. My guy was quite tolerant, but I know it got old pretty quickly.
So, that being said, it was WONDERFUL when I found a great friend who had also been trying for a few months. We regularly got together, walked around a nearby lake, and discussed what we were learning and trying, and encouraged each other. We eventually got pregnant within three months of each other which has been a true, long-term blessing for us!
4. Seek help if you’re concerned.
As I said before, doctors often tell you to wait 12 months of trying before seeking help, if you’re under 35 and healthy. They say 6 months is you’re 35 or older. But if you’re seeing some glaring issue, like I had with my cycle lengths, then it is not unreasonable to talk with someone sooner.
Additionally, if you know when you are ovulating and you’ve been paying attention to those fertile times for 6 months, it would definitely be worth an office visit. There are a host of things that could be off with your body that just aren’t obvious and your doc could start some tests or make some recommendations.
5. Don’t be afraid to take a break, but don’t give up.
Sometimes, after trying for a while, you need a mental break. So maybe you put those ovulation strips back under your bed for a while, and don’t think much about trying for a cycle or a few. And that’s okay. But don’t give up, because although the road could be long and winding, with some unexpected turns, you can (and I believe you will!) have a baby in your arms one day. Hopefully soon!
Everyone handles this emotional journey differently. For example, on months you’re not pregnant, some people are sad, others are angry, some are disappointed but optimistic. Some don’t wait to take a pregnancy test until they’re practically showing, for fear they will get a false negative result. I, on the other hand, was perfectly fine testing too EARLY and getting false negatives. There will be no one person’s advice that will perfectly align with your personality and behavior. So you just do what’s right for you.
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And now, my friends, the Family Planning during Medical Training series has come to a end! I can’t believe it! I have LOVED talking about this deeply personal subject with all of you. Planning your family is such a unique and exciting time, and I thank you so much for being with me as we discussed it! Hopefully you’ve been able to get some ideas and insight, and that you’ll want to keep connecting with me as I continue to share!
Between blog posting days, I’m always having some fun over here on Instagram and on Facebook – I’d LOVE to see you there!! ❤️
Next up, we talk about physicians and the holidays – ever want to know how much they’re expected to work on Christmas? I’ll be sharing that (and more!) next week!!!
With sooooo much love and gratitude to you all!!!
XOXO!
Honestly,
AM 🙂 ❤️
More About Me: Hi! I’m Ann Marie, a blogging mama of 3 tiny gals, and a wife to a busy Orthopedic Surgeon. You can find me right here for a weekly smattering of inspiration for your motherhood journey, home, marriage (I see you other medical wives!), style, and beauty. You’ll find me most active on Instagram or Facebook for life between blog posts. And I truly can’t wait to see you there, friend. ❤️💋
To connect, shoot me an email at honestlyannmarie@gmail.com ❤️
