The Enneagram & Me – The Story of an Enneagram Type Three

Hellllooooo, friends! So. In case you didn’t notice, I’m here to tell you that this post is exactly one. week. late. And before we get done today, you’ll find out why.

(Actually, you’re about to find out A LOT).

But before we go there, (and we ARE going there), you need to do some self-discovery of your own. Start by figuring out YOUR Enneagram type (if you haven’t already), because what I’m saying today will be more meaningful to you if you have some context. Head back to my most recent post to find out what the Enneagram is all about and how I discovered my type: The Enneagram for Beginners (& Why You Should Learn Your Type!)

So to all of you who are joining me for the first time today…I’m sorry. I PROMISE I that I don’t usually just post all about myself. (Yes, I know as a Three on the Enneagram that I should really love it, though. Ha). But really, I decided to write on this for a couple of reasons: 1. To hopefully encourage all of you to take similar leaps into your own journey to self-discovery. It just may lead to transformation. And 2. To let you, my lovely readers and friends, see more of my authentic self and hold myself accountable to that.

Hopefully, no matter your Enneagram type, the things I say today will resonate with you. (And especially you other Threes out there!)

So what does being a “Three” on the Enneagram mean?

I’m summarizing from a variety of sources here, but depending on that source, Type Three is called the “Performer” or the “Achiever.” Characterized by their energy, charm (*bleh*), and strong desire to succeed, Threes are motivated to achieve, due to an underlying hope of obtaining love through their accomplishments. When they’re healthy, Threes are successful and confident, understanding that their self-worth and their goals are two distinctly different things. Though Threes can often be competitive and workaholics, healthy Threes understand and appreciate balance of work, rest, and spirituality.  Threes are also prone to being image-conscious and even vain, wanting desperately to be liked. Because a Three wants to be seen a certain way, it is important to them that they know that have the approval of others. Words of affirmation is a common love language of Threes because they thrive from validation of their efforts.

Less healthy Threes may be highly concerned about the opinions of others, leading them to become someone they’re not. They will put on a show or fabricate/exaggerate their success in order to attempt to impress others. Additionally, less healthy Threes can be chameleons who know what they want and know how to get it. And they will.  Sometimes this means they are intelligent enough to appeal to the right people in the right way to get what they desire, or sometimes, even worse, it means they manipulate.

Um. Ewwww.

When I learned that I was a Three, I nearly had a complete, utter meltdown. Not gonna lie. (More on that next time). The good news was that, as I said in my last post, I felt understood in a way I hadn’t been before. It explained some of my behaviors that haven’t always appeared rational to others, for example, my intense sacrifices of self, often driven by desire to achieve, i.e. getting up at 5:00am for two years straight so I could work (a lot) while also going to grad school, or staying up until 2 or 3 am to complete posts for this very blog, or using every second of free time I had to sell nail wraps for practically a year, while I was pregnant (and also had a baby and a toddler).

It explained the friction I have felt whenever other moms talk about how satisfied and fulfilled they feel about being a stay at home parent (which is an amazing gift one should TREASURE if that describes you!!)

It explained why words of affirmation have the power to keep me going strong, and the absence of them sends me into a self-conscious spiral.

But the part that was the most difficult to stomach was the keen awareness that it brought of the mountain of unhealthy tendencies that I have yet to overcome.

Fortunately for all of us, there is information in the Enneagram that helps to show us how to become healthier versions of ourselves; how to overcome those mountains.

Once we’re aware of where we are on the development continuum of our type, we can make changes to move up the scale. I love the development descriptions by the Enneagram Institute. Below are the development descriptions for a type Three, which can be found HERE. (You can find this scale for your type on the same website!)

Healthy Levels for a Three (from the Enneagram Institute):

“Level 1 (At Their Best): Self-accepting, inner-directed, and authentic, everything they seem to be. Modest and charitable, self-deprecatory humor and a fullness of heart emerge. Gentle and benevolent.

Level 2: Self-assured, energetic, and competent with high self-esteem: they believe in themselves and their own value. Adaptable, desirable, charming, and gracious.

Level 3: Ambitious to improve themselves, to be “the best they can be”—often become outstanding, a human ideal, embodying widely admired cultural qualities. Highly effective: others are motivated to be like them in some positive way.

Average Levels

Level 4: Highly concerned with their performance, doing their job well, constantly driving self to achieve goals as if self-worth depends on it. Terrified of failure. Compare self with others in search for status and success. Become careerists, social climbers, invested in exclusivity and being the “best.”

Level 5: Become image-conscious, highly concerned with how they are perceived. Begin to package themselves according to the expectations of others and what they need to do to be successful. Pragmatic and efficient, but also premeditated, losing touch with their own feelings beneath a smooth facade. Problems with intimacy, credibility, and “phoniness” emerge.

Level 6: Want to impress others with their superiority: constantly promoting themselves, making themselves sound better than they really are. Narcissistic, with grandiose, inflated notions about themselves and their talents. Exhibitionistic and seductive, as if saying “Look at me!” Arrogance and contempt for others is a defense against feeling jealous of others and their success.

Unhealthy Levels

Level 7: Fearing failure and humiliation, they can be exploitative and opportunistic, covetous of the success of others, and willing to do “whatever it takes” to preserve the illusion of their superiority.

Level 8: Devious and deceptive so that their mistakes and wrongdoings will not be exposed. Untrustworthy, maliciously betraying or sabotaging people to triumph over them. Delusionally jealous of others

Level 9: Become vindictive, attempting to ruin others’ happiness. Relentless, obsessive about destroying whatever reminds them of their own shortcomings and failures. Psychopathic behavior. Generally corresponds to the Narcissistic Personality Disorder.”

Currently, I am closest to a 4 here. But I’d love to be a 1 or 2, and have been at times in my past. Being able to evaluate where I’m at is so important in determining where I’m going.

Truly, understanding more about the Enneagram over the last few weeks has touched every major area of my life. I want to share more about that and my plans for continued growth.

What Knowing My Enneagram Type Means to Me in Motherhood

Current Status: Deep down, I’ve never really felt like I “fit in” as a mom who stays at home. And now, knowing I’m a Three, it’s alllll making sense. I’ve wasted precious energy mourning, for my kids and for myself, that they don’t have a mom who thrives in their world. I love them so much, and I love spending time with them, but honestly, I’ve known for a while that I am a mom who needs more breaks than most. I’ve always needed dozens of side projects to inspire and stimulate me beyond my work at home. These truths have been really hard for me to swallow, and I have spent time, lots of time, TOO MUCH TIME wishing that I was a “better” stay-at-home mom. Wishing that I loved it. Wishing that I could thrive on every little success and feel rewarded by the daily grind of making it through another bedtime routine and that those feelings, those victories (which are HUGE victories, actually) were enough. That they were all I needed.

Some Threes are great at staying home, but I’ve read that others can pick them out because they’re the ones inventing kid devices and trying to be the best at packing lunches and volunteering and baking and …. *ahem* …starting mommy blogs. Seriously, a LOT of mommy bloggers are Threes. It’s my opinion that a lot of it has to do with the absence of frequent validation in motherhood, (and just being an open book here), blogging is a way to receive feedback and some kinds of validation for your mommy-ing efforts. It’s a really interesting (and embarrassing) connection. Right?

But anyway, on to areas of growth.

Opportunities for Growth in Motherhood: My first priority is to shift my focus from trying to be someone I’m not (i.e. someone who thrives in stay at home mom-land), and instead, focus on what I bring to the table at a stay at home mom who is a Three. Because Threes can be pretty awesome moms. I want to find the a place of “best balance,” so that when I’m with my family (which is almost all of the time), that I’m really “with” them. That I’m not always focused on side projects or checking boxes on a mental list. And in order to achieve that, I know I have to set aside some dedicated time to my other projects and interests. I want to split this dedicated time into 1. Personal projects and 2. Family projects so that my time away is benefitting everyone in the family. I recently shifted around my girls’ schedules a little bit and now have two afternoons a week where a babysitter comes. So this week was really my first week of experimenting with this and it went rather well! Additionally, I’ve been re-evaluating my work situation (maybe it’s time to go back part-time?) But I haven’t fully committed to a true job search yet. We shall see. I just want to do what I need to do to be at my best for my family.

What Knowing My Enneagram Type Means to Me as a Wife

Current Status: When I’m at my least healthy Three levels, I am someone who requires a lot of affirmation. Words of Affirmation is not my husband’s love language. Ha. When I begin feeling like I’m failing in other areas of my life, I require even more affirmation from my husband. I let these insecurities convince me that he is displeased with me or the work that I’m doing with the girls or otherwise (he’s not). But then I bug him repeatedly to tell me I’m enough, that I’m doing enough, and refuse to believe him if he says he’s not upset. He, quite literally, does not have time for that as a surgeon.

Opportunities for Growth: Fortunately, my husband is and has always been strongly supportive of the aspirations and goals that are important to me. Where I hope to grow is by tackling this fear of failure and the insecurities that come with it and realize that I am enough. I’m enough for him, just as I am. I am who he chose. I chose him. And then I will choose to trust him when he says that he will let me know if there’s an issue. So I can go ahead and stop bugging him already. 🙂

What Knowing My Enneagram Type Means to Me Professionally and Personally

Current Status: I think one of the root issues here is that as I get older, I’ve been increasingly concerned that I’m not living enough into my life’s calling, and that I’m going to be 60 one day and not have accomplished any of the things I set out to do. This fear has exacerbated my intense fear of failure to the point where I was nearly having panic attacks over the potential of missing deadlines, and even squeezing in work on projects while I was on my girl’s weekend recently.

Additionally, as sometimes happens with less healthy Threes, I’ve been getting annoyingly confused about my source of value, tying it far too closely to things that literally do. not. matter. (i.e., my Instagram following, the quality of my dinner prep, how many pounds left until I’m back at my pre-baby weight, what other people may or may not be thinking about me, etc, etc, etc). All of these faulty sources of perceived value, and the negativity associated with them, had convinced me, in small ways, that this was who I was/am. So when I wasn’t living up to my own expectations, I have felt undeserving of love. Which I know in my head is insane. Internalizing that truth is more difficult as a Three.

I’ve asked myself some really difficult questions, like whether not meeting some of my goals was truly lack of time, or actually, more painfully, lack of talent.

Opportunities for Growth: The primary “Three” behavior that has been paralyzing me lately is this fear of failure I mentioned, which is my first priority to tackle, moving forward. And I’ve already made some steps in the right direction.

First of all, I re-evaluated all the little things that I was considering “failures” and realized that they were pretty much ridiculous. I need to give myself more grace. If my child is occasionally 5 minutes late to preschool, IT WILL BE OKAY. I am not a terrible mom. If I miss a few runs because my baby is sick, I can still do my race. IT’S FINE. If I miss a blogging deadline, ALL HOPE IS NOT LOST.

So I’m cutting myself some slack.

Regarding blogging, there are just some things that I’m realizing I cannot keep up with and I am letting them go for now. 1. I cannot keep up with my Pinterest goals. Gonna take a break from that. 2. I cannot post daily on Instagram & Facebook, even though I love to! I will continue to post when inspired! 3. I am going to start having guest posts to relieve the pressure of weekly posts and also bring you inspiration from other sources that I love! (Let me know if you have an idea!) And even then, if I miss a week, I am not going to sweat it. I am doing the best I can with the minutes I have. I promise. But I love blogging and want to keep it going strong with the limited resources I have!

Then regarding the root issue I mentioned, of being concerned about not living into my calling, I’m going to remind myself daily (I’m sure it will sometimes be hourly) to accept that the pace that I am going at with my various projects is the best pace for me and my fam. I am going to remind myself that there are stages of life in which I will have more time to dedicate to my ideas and dreams and this particular stage is a tough one. Doing the best I can is all I can ask of myself. And hard and fast deadlines need to be a thing of the past for me, for now.

And that, right there, is what a giant sigh of relief looks like in written form.

What Knowing My Enneagram Type Means to Me in my Spiritual Journey

Current Status:  I’ve been letting my feelings of failure convince me sometimes that I’m not worthy of God’s love. Sometimes this manifests itself by making me feel like I can’t share parts of my walk with God in a variety of settings, because I won’t have the right words to say, or that I’m not well-enough equipped to have the conversations I would sometimes like to have, online or in person.

Another issue is that because of my tendency to overcommit as a Three, I’ve been hesitant to serve in ministry at church because I already feel overwhelmed by the many other endeavors in my life, (my family commitments being the most important of those endeavors).

Lastly, Threes are known have a hard time setting aside time to commit to a daily walk with God, because they struggle to settle down, plagued by the 1,000,000 tasks at hand. This has rung true for me, as since having kids, I have not found that “perfect” daily time to commit to my Biblical studies and prayer.

Opportunities for Growth: First of all, one of the gals in my Bible Study said something this week that is so true: “When God calls, God equips.” I’ve recently felt called to get over those hesitations I had about serving. More and more, this has felt like a call to serve on the worship team at our church. I have an audition on the 15th (pray for me!) It was something I used to do and loved, but with all the moving, and all the babies, I’ve taken a break. My husband is more than willing to watch the girls while I’m away to serve. This particular ministry, one of service through worship and leadership, fulfills so many of my current “Three” struggles. It gives me dedicated time in ministry while also another achievable, healthy, non-kid related goal to focus on. It’s also a way to use my God-given talents which, as part of the body of Christ, I know is important. It will also be further inspiration for me to be in the Word daily, as I would never want to lead in worship without being solid in my walk with the Lord.

Whew.

Anyone still with me?!

I hope these words, though primarily about me, mean something to each of you.

Not to toot my own horn, but one thing that Threes often struggle with is lack of authenticity, and I feel like that is one area that I struggled with more as a kid, but these days, I’m showing up as the person I truly am. And that means for you guys, too.

So today wasn’t the most FUN conversation, but it’s an exciting one. This is a time of change and transformation, and I truly hope it will lead you all to examine your own selves and make some goals for growth. Let me know what they are!

Thanks again for being with me. ❤️

I treasure you for being a part of me blogging journey, my family journey, my self-discovery journey…all of it. ❤️

See you so soon (but I’m not gonna tell you when in case I can’t make it happen!!! Ha!)  XO! ❤️❤️

SO MUCH love,

Honestly,

-AM ❤️

More About Me: Hi! I’m Ann Marie, a blogging mama of 3 tiny gals, and a wife to a busy Orthopedic Surgeon. You can find me right here for a weekly smattering of inspiration for your motherhood journey, home, marriage (I see you other medical wives!), style, and beauty. You’ll find me most active on Instagram or Facebook for life between blog posts. And I truly can’t wait to see you there, friend. ❤️💋

To connect, shoot me an email at honestlyannmarie@gmail.com ❤️