The Heart of a Surgeon

To be a good doctor, you have to be a good student. But to be a great doctor, you have to have a good heart.

A good heart.

They don’t teach you that in medical school.

You learn anatomy, pharmacology, pathology, molecular biology, infectious diseases, nutrition, specific organ systems, among a plethora of other biological and physiological sciences.

But then, medical school takes the required learning even further, into skills that translate into good bedside manner and respect from your patients. The principles taught include intrapersonal and interpersonal intelligence skills, conveying empathy, avoiding discrimination, cultivating professionalism, practicing medical ethics, etc.

And any good student can learn to do these things.

But learning them can’t make you FEEL them.

It can’t make you internalize them.

believe them.

keep them.

hold them tightly.

sacrifice for them.

be them.

There are a lot of good doctors out there. But there are a lot less great ones.

The great ones live out these practices, not only when practicing medicine, but in their daily home lives. They don’t choose the path of least resistance. The great ones learn from their mistakes. The great ones stand up for what is right for their patients and for their families, even to the detriment of their own schedule/finances/personal desires. The great ones are humble. The great ones have a respect for all humanity. The great ones protect the weak.

The great doctors are great, even behind closed doors.

I am tremendously grateful that this guy I get to be partnered with for life is one of the great ones.

Overwhelmingly grateful. What’s even cooler to me is that the same qualities that make my husband great at being a doctor also make him great at being a husband and father. And for the skeptics out there, I don’t mean to imply that he doesn’t make mistakes.  He does. But he is wise enough to learn and grow from them, and take immediate, tangible steps to do better the next time.

My hope for every doctor, or aspiring one, is that they will strive to be great. Here are some of the qualities in my husband that I, and surely his patients, appreciate most.

Generous in spirit

My husband and I were having a conversation about a past post of mine (5 Things No One Ever Told You About Being Married to a Doctor). A financial planner commented on the post, mentioning that it doesn’t always make financial sense for doctors to be doctors. His point was basically that with their level of intelligence, most individuals cut out to make it as a physician could chose a path requiring significantly less training, work their way up quickly and become successful. In doing so, they could invest their money earlier, and then be able to multiply that money, making them overall more money with potentially less sacrifices. And he’s probably not wrong.

But my husband’s response?

“Doctors are doctors so they can change and save people’s lives.”

He continued, “The money is just not why you go in to medicine. You don’t do it to have a bigger retirement account at the end. You do it to impact more people and meet their needs.”

I had already responded to that comment in some other way, but after talking to my husband, I wanted to go back and change my response. (I didn’t).

He gets job satisfaction out of helping and improving the lives of others. Not from the prestige. Not from the money.

At home, I see this play out. He’s exhausted. He’s physically and emotionally drained nearly every day. But he completes home projects every weekend he’s not working. He never sits while I do chores around the house. He’s always willing to tag team even the WORST of child behavior events. I have to demand he take substantial breaks. His mission at home is often helping and improving our lives, much like he does at work with his patients.

Looking beyond our home life, he has become incredibly generous to others. He gave away two (!!!) of his cars last year that he drove while he was completing his traveling fellowship (and he continues to drive a 2003 Mitsubishi, I kid you not). He generously gives to the missions and needs of others. He looks for ways to support our community of friends. If we could all be so generous, in spirit and otherwise.

Fiercely loyal

In medicine, this means that he puts his patients first. They are his patients. And trust me, you want this guy to be an advocate for you. Sometimes this means he takes time out of his day to call a patient’s family member, or spend a full hour explaining a procedure. Other times, it may mean advising them go to a facility better equipped to deal with the specific trauma they’ve encountered, or refer them to the expert about their problem if it’s not him. He’s okay with that if it’s what the patient needs.

In our personal lives, it means that I never question what I, what we, mean to him. I know how important we are. I know I am his first phone call, his best friend, his confidant, his person. He really SHOULD talk bad about me sometimes. But he won’t. He SHOULD give me a hard time about how crazy I am while I’m dealing with the emotions of stopping breastfeeding. But he doesn’t.

He’s loyal. He’s in deep with us.

Focused

For his patients, it means he priorities what is truly in their best interest. He makes recommendations based on what he feels will result in the best outcome for them, without the influence of billing, payer sources, or his own schedule. There were multiple times in his training career where he threw down for his patients, so to speak, in order to ensure they were receiving the best care, even when it resulted in significantly added stress, time, and risk to himself. Maybe it meant challenging faculty members, or trying to get a patient without insurance seen, or driving up to the hospital actually put eyes on a patient when on call even though there was only like a .00024% chance it was compartment syndrome that they were experiencing (Alert! Not actual data! 😂).

In our home life, he demonstrates his willingness to prioritize appropriately by frequently reflecting on his work-life balance. He evaluates whether what he’s doing is in the best interest of our family and makes changes accordingly. If he ever starts to veer off to a point where I am even beginning to feel a twinge of resentment at his job (I discuss that more HERE), he self-corrects and gives away an extra call shift he picked up, or cancels some clinic hours in order to schedule a surgery during normal-people working hours to avoid the next late night. He makes the things that are important to me, important to him. Unless it’s nail wraps. Then he firmly does not care. Nope.

Confidently Humble

There is a sweet spot between knowing it all, and knowing a lot but desiring to know more. We’ve all had doctors who give off the infallible vibe. And I don’t know about you, but what I want, in both a doctor and a husband, is someone who has appropriate levels of confidence, but still knows that they are imperfect, flawed, and not beyond reproach. A physician who is humble is also striving to learn, reading new literature, willing to admit to both themselves and his/her patients if/when they make mistakes. The confidently humble physician doesn’t come across as superior, but more of a “I’m on your team. I have knowledge and a skill set you don’t have so let’s see if we can use it to help you.” This is definitely more representative my husband’s vibe. I appreciate and respect that about him.

At home, we’re a team. We utilize checks and balances. I believe that his (our) faith in God has a lot to do with the fact that he (we) see ourselves as broken people in need of a savior, and that changes the way we interact with others; the way he interacts with his patients, and us as his fam.

There’s no doubt that he’s one of the lucky ones that got nearly alllll the gifts (insert eyeroll and elbow nudge here). Except music. Doesn’t do music. He’s confident enough to appreciate his (many) God-given talents, but humble enough to accept the need to change when necessary.

Disciplined

Discipline is a skill that I daresay my husband was practically born with. But he now has it cultivated to near perfection.

When I met my husband, we were in the 8th grade. I don’t think I’ve mentioned that before, but it’s a pretty great story (to come at a later date, I’m sure). At that time, even as young as he was, he was dominating his academic and athletic life.  His dedication to achieving his goals was incredibly evident, and it just never stopped. As a middle school student, he put a desk in his closet so he would have his own space to study. He would sacrifice parts of his social life in order to excel at school work because he knew this would be an investment into his future. (He had a few best friends, and was, as mentioned above, insanely loyal to them).

But his discipline was not just limited to academics and sports. He has never let himself be lazy. He has stayed eternally focused on his goals. He’s eats healthily and stays in impeccable shape. He keeps a schedule. He is prompt.

He inspires me with his day-to-day choices.

Meanwhile, I’ll just be over here trying to lose 20 pounds by eating three quarters of this bag of Oreos.

Interestingly, these qualities: generous in spirit, fiercely loyal, focused, confidently humble, and disciplined are not necessarily the qualities that first come to mind when someone asks you what you’re looking for in a partner (or a doctor). But they are everything. They turn a “good” person into a person with integrity. Into a great person.

Day in and day out, I am his partner in crime. I see behind his closed door. And if you could, too, you’d come to the same conclusion. He’s one of the great ones.

This one’s for you, baby. Happy Birthday.

XOXO.

Honestly,

AM ❤️

More About Me: Hi! I’m Ann Marie, a blogging mama of 3 tiny gals, and a wife to a busy Orthopedic Surgeon. You can find me right here for a weekly smattering of inspiration for your motherhood journey, home, marriage (I see you other medical wives!), style, and beauty. You’ll find me most active on Instagram or Facebook for life between blog posts. And I truly can’t wait to see you there, friend. ❤️💋

To connect, shoot me an email at honestlyannmarie@gmail.com ❤️