To The Physician Spouse During the Holidays: Restoring the Joy of the Season Despite Disappointment
There comes a point in every physician marriage when an extremely rude reality hits:
your holidays have been hijacked.
Not all of them. But some of them. (A lot of them). For a while, especially in training, it seems like most of them.
(PS – This is the topic I’m discussing this week with Lara on the Married to Doctors podcast! So be sure to tune in on Thursday to hear the full interview! And definitely check out Married to Doctors as an awesome resource for medical spouses!)
The training years are a beast that bring with them multiple layers of hardship, and that darn holiday thief is one of them. (If you want to check out my extremely honest posts about residency, find them here in Residency: The Good, the Bad, & the Ugly: Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3).
I remember the moment that the holiday hijacker first reared his rude little head to us.
As a (currently recovering) idealist, I envisioned every holiday would be perfection, complete with fireside snuggles, rich, hot chocolate in some adorable but borderline cliche mug I’ve probably shared like 12 pictures of on Instagram already, and dreamy music in the background (or more specifically, N’Sync’s Christmas album which my love for will NEVER, EVER FADE).
For our first two years of marriage, that little dream played out in some version over the holidays (though probably involving a hand-me-down mug and a space heater in place of a true fireside moment). After all, the med school schedule was compatible with the holidays for a bit.
But then, THEN, things got…weird.
My husband had warned me it would happen.
When we started discussing our holiday plans during the third year of medical school, my husband started becoming vague with his responses.
“I’m not sure if we’ll be able to see your family this year.”
“We’ll have to see…”
A few weeks later…
“I don’t know if I can make it work with my schedule…”
Hmmm.
The truth is, he didn’t know. And it wouldn’t be the last time. After pressing further, it soon became clear that it would be difficult for him to predict when he could be off and how long he could be off with any reliability.
From that point on, I knew my cutesy Christmas cuddle mindset needed a shift.
It’s easy to get wrapped up in the disappointment of losing the picturesque holiday you envisioned in your mind.
So take a moment to mourn that. Or hours, even days, months…whatever that may be for you. Alternatively, it’s okay to mourn for a while, then be cool, then be back to mourning again…it’s a process when our expectations and our reality don’t align.
But here’s the thing. While your holidays might be hijacked, the joy that the season brings doesn’t have to be.
That “holiday thief” doesn’t also have to be the thief of your joy.
When I asked you guys about this on Instagram, you graciously shared with me what you found to be the hardest parts about doing the holidays when married to a doc. You told me things like:
- The holidays are lonely.
- The distance from family is hard on the holidays.
- The small window of availability of your spouse makes traveling difficult.
- It was sad to miss extended family celebrations that happen at the same time each year.
- The unpredictability is hard to stomach.
- The holidays are a reminder that our lives are vastly different than those of our (non-physician family and friends), due to the schedule, in this case.
These are all realities I’ve faced as well. So how do we move forward, able to fully embrace the celebrations of the year?
Restoring the Joy of the Season, Despite Disappointment:
We are resilient creatures, certainly capable of adapting to a new reality. And how quickly and readily we do that can impact our inner peace substantially.
So here are some suggestions that have helped me and others wade through the murky waters of holiday planning.
1. Use technology to your advantage.
When proximity and tight schedules are a barrier, this can help you feel more connected. One of my doc wife friends (go see @maddiedstein on IG!) said she even attended a funeral this way, which obviously isn’t ideal, but if she can do THAT, I can definitely join in to parts of celebrations I can’t be present for. My family (at nearly 3,000 miles away) has joined us via FaceTime for many a present unwrapping, gender reveal, birthday celebration, you name it.
2. Be more attached to the celebration than the day.
Many of you, like me, have just straight up changed the day of some holidays. So your spouse is working on Dec 25th? Pretend the 26th is the 25th! Try to convince family to do the same if they’re involved in the festivities! It can be just as special on another day if you make it that way.
3. Spread some holiday cheer instead of hanging out alone.
You know who needs some cheer on Christmas?! Patients. Patients do. Trust me, patients don’t want to be in the hospital on Christmas just as much as you don’t want your spouse to be working in the hospital (or more). So what better way to show the true spirit of Christmas than to spread some cheer and joy to someone in need on the holidays. You can help out by bringing some goodies, maybe visiting with some Christmas music. Perhaps bake a treat, or bring your children to hand out candy canes, sing carols, etc. Be creative!
4. Make plans with another family, or a family of friends.
If your spouse is working on Christmas, I guarantee you there’s another family that would love to host you on the holidays, they just don’t know you’re planning to be alone. Talk to others about it! And yes, if you do something else, you’ll still miss your spouse, but it’s better in wallowing in that loneliness. Sometimes, it’s hard to plan because you’re not sure WHEN your spouse will be home, but I would bet that friend or family would be willing for you to join for however long you were able. Do it.
5. Remember that your spouse working the holiday isn’t a personal slight to you.
During the training year, there were times I distinctly remember beginning to get a little salty because it felt like my husband was “choosing” to work on the holiday.
Allow me to explain.
In medical school, the holidays started to become sort of…ambiguous…and it all depended on which rotation he was on. Sometimes he COULD be at home for the holiday, but as a junior team member, he really SHOULD be there to support his team. That was hard for me to stomach because then it felt like a choice that he was making to be away. But. BUT. I see now that it really WASN’T a choice. Him being there, showing his dedication, was all part of putting himself together as a pretty little perfectly wrapped gift to a residency program.
Just a little PSA that sometimes, if it seems that they’re choosing to be away, look a little deeper before becoming bitter, because it’s really less of a choice, and more about preparing for his/her future career and your future together.
6. Embrace the seemingly hidden benefits of your spouse working on the holidays.
I talk about them in THIS post: On Call on the Holidays: What You Need to Know About Doctors Working Christmas. In short, by being separated from our spouse on the holidays we become more grateful for the holidays when we ARE with our spouse. We and our children become more flexible, and we also get to contribute to the true meaning of the holidays when we support a spouse who is able to joyfully give to patients in his/her time of need.
And to bring an added bit of encouragement, it DOES.GET.BETTER after the training years!! With seniority in nearly every attending position comes less holiday work. I know this is particularly true in private practice, but physicians in academic positions often experience the same holiday benefits.
(My husband now works every 13th Christmas).
So if you’re worried that this will be your new forever…don’t.
Your Christmas cuddle, if that’s what you’re into, isn’t so far away now.
“Merry Christmas…Merry Christmas…and Happy Holidays!”
Now imagine that little line sung by Justin Timberlake from a red sleigh, in an orange jacket, on TRL (Total Request Live on MTV).
Boom. You just got a glimpse into my fav parts of the holidays as a middle schooler.
(I decided to just put that here because I KNOW you’ll wanna watch it).
___________________
Let me know what you’re Christmas is looking like this year! Is your spouse miraculously off?
Can’t wait to hear!
See you guys so very soon!
Love and holiday snuggles! XO!
Honestly,
AM ❤️❤️
More About Me: Hi! I’m Ann Marie, a blogging mama of 3 tiny gals, and a wife to a busy Orthopedic Surgeon. You can find me right here for a weekly smattering of inspiration for your motherhood journey, home, marriage (I see you other medical wives!), style, and beauty. You’ll find me most active on Instagram or Facebook for life between blog posts. And I truly can’t wait to see you there, friend. ❤️💋
To connect, shoot me an email at honestlyannmarie@gmail.com ❤️
I love tradition. When I was younger, as soon as one variable was different during the holidays (such as a sister being out of town), it suddenly didn’t feel like Christmas anymore. I’ve since become much more flexible.
A wise woman once told me (she had unavoidable circumstances in her life that made every holiday season run on a different schedule than the last) that she viewed her ever-shifting Christmases as opportunities to do new things, be creative, and make different memories. I thought it was such a healthy way to look at it, and her view has helped me to roll with the unexpected changes in our own family traditions.
Oh Sara – I love every bit of this. Change can be so hard, and I feel like it makes so much sense to evaluate what you’re holding on to when it feels difficult. In this case, it’s so much deeper than the logistics and it took me several years (and trial and error) to figure that out, too. The wise lady you mentioned sure does, indeed, sound wise. Thank you so much for this thoughtful comment.