When Your Ideas About When to Have Kids Don’t Align with your Spouse’s

Family Planning during Medical Training: Part 3 of 4

Hooray! You’re here for Part 3 of my 4-Part Series on Family Planning During Medical Training. In case you missed the first two, go check them out! We covered factors involved in the decision to have children during training from both the Physician perspective (that was Part 1), and the spouse perspective (over here in Part 2).

Now for today. Oh, today. This is a doo-zy. We dig deep into a discussion that I’m SURE many couples have struggled with. One reason I KNOW this to be true is because we did.

Yep. Sure did.

The other reason I know this to be true, is because the data supports it.

We’ll get to that in a sec.

But first, why is this topic so important to discuss?!

Almost every couple has “the kid conversation” before marriage. You and your significant other discuss whether or not you’d like to have kids (in our case, yes!) and maybe even how many children you’d like to have (2, maybe 3!). But the next important question that often goes overlooked or unasked is exactly when you’d like to have these kids that you speak of.

With an increasing focus on higher education prolonging the academic years, as well as a cultural push toward the need to establish careers prior to having children, more couples are choosing to begin expanding their families later in their lives. And when determining when exactly the “best time” is, there are times that both husband and wife may not necessarily be in agreement.

So what does the research show?

There was an incredibly interesting and informative article in the New York Times a few months back: The Age That Women Have Babies: How a Gap Divides America.

In summary, geography and education are major factors in the age of first-time moms. Additionally, couples are choosing to begin their families later and later in their lives. Nationwide, in 1972, the average age of first-time moms was 21. In 2016, it was 26. There are similar patterns for first-time dads. In 1972, the average age was 27, and it increased to 31 by 2016. Then throw those geography differences in the mix. The county where my parents live in Alabama has an average age of 24.2 for first-time moms. In King County, WA, where we currently live, the average age is 29.4.

So basically, there’s data to support the age gap between men and women’s plans for babies, with women choosing to have them earlier (obviously this is not always the case!) Then, if you come from different geographic regions of the country (like we did), that could also influence the age at which having kids seems appropriate and desirable.

Next, let’s just, for fun, throw in the insanity of medical training. Now you’ve got a spouse with an 80+ hour work week, incessant demands outside of the hospital in the form of studying for Step or in-training exams, interviewing for residency or fellowships, and likely a bazillion research projects to work on. It’s probably NOT going to be the best head space for planning a family and considering taking on the additional MAJOR responsibility of becoming a parent.

From the perspective of the spouse who is not in training, depending on the demands of his or her work, they may have more mental energy available for family planning. They may even be feeling that biological clock TICK…TICK…TICKING away, while the spouse in training is full steam ahead towards their medical career.

It’s really a perfect storm for being on different pages in the baby-making journey.

So What Can be Done?!

Based on my personal experiences, as well as the lovely advice of my friends who are Marriage & Family Therapists have shared with me, I recommend considering the following:

1. Pick the best time to talk

So maybe the day after a long call shift where your spouse had 20 consults come in ISN’T the best time to bring up the whole baby thing? (Hint: it’s not. It’s really not.)

Finding the right time to have this conversation can seem nearly impossible, especially when one or both of you are extraordinarily busy and constantly close to collapsing.

This talk can be emotionally charged, so consider a little planning by: 1. Picking a time and day when you are both at your best. Maybe it’s over a morning coffee on the weekend, or on a joint run, or during a date night. But things will go better if you’ve both had a decent amount of sleep. I promise. And 2. Allow enough time for both partners to be heard and understood. This is not the conversation to start right before one of you runs out the door to the hospital. So just plan to have enough time to really address the subject fully.

2. Touch base about the subject early & often

Communication is key. If my husband and I could warp back in time, I think we’d both agree that we wish we would’ve talked about our ideas about when we’d like to start our family long before we did. Ideally, we would have even had that conversation before we got married, as it would have been nice to have some kind of rough timeline in our heads.

And once you talk about it, how often should you revisit the conversation? I’d say touching base about having kids makes sense at least every 6 months or so. You don’t want to drive each other crazy asking about it every week, especially if one spouse is the driving force behind wanting kids. (I may or may not have learned that the hard way). But also, people change, so it’s good to get a little heart update from your spouse every once in a while.

In fact, in our case, while I was (rather impatiently) waiting for the best time for us to start trying for a baby, my husband surprised me by moving up our timeline a good 6 months. (yay!)

3. Communicate clearly, honestly, and with reflective listening

Let’s talk about that conversation itself. I mentioned before that it can be emotionally charged. Many couples may avoid digging into it, particularly if you’re prone to avoiding confrontation. But in the long run, it’ll only make things harder if you gloss over your true expectations about when you want kids.

When you are chatting, it can be extremely helpful to use the strategy of “reflective listening.” This is listening to understand your partner, not to just be heard. When using this strategy, you literally say back to the other person what they just said and ask if you are understanding them. You may be tempted to be thinking of your next counter-point while the other person is talking, and using reflective listening will ensure that you’re sticking with your partner and actually hearing them out.

4. Work on your relationship in order to to set the tone for a healthy conversation

Creating an environment within your relationship that allows you to both communicate in an honest, caring, and understanding way may take some work. You may need to back-up to this step before the conversation.

One of my therapist besties likes the way Sue Johnson talks about establishing a basis for conversation in couple relationships in her book, “Hold Me Tight.” She uses the acronym “ARE”: A – accessible, R – responsive, E – emotionally engaged. When you feel like these three things are present in a relationship, then you in turn feel safer having these types of conversations and talking about tougher topics. It would definitely be worth a read.

5. Be Open To Compromise

When you have a differing opinions on such an important topic, something will have to give. Someone, or even both of you, will have to decide to relinquish some of their desires. And that’s okay. It’s part of being in a loving relationship.

For us, we both compromised on our timelines. He moved his up a bit, and I moved my back a bit.

While we waited until that right time, I kept myself busy by working to answer some of those big, logistical questions that we’d face when we had a baby, like how will we have insurance, what do we do about childcare, how will this affect us financially, can we still live in our apartment, etc. I addressed a lot of these concerns in Part 2. By addressing those potential barriers, I felt like I could still be thinking about and planning for that baby that I knew we would try to have at some point.

6. Get help if you need it

If you feel like you need help getting on the same page as your spouse about this issue, then let someone else help you! Seeing a licensed therapist is honestly a GREAT idea.

I went to a therapist a couple of times when I was in a very bad place with my mommy life, which I will talk about at some point, and it was life-changing. I had a hard time getting over myself in order to actually attend therapy, but I am so. glad. I. did. Everyone should go.

Ideally, you’d both attend in order to get maximum benefit!

(Also, if you just so happen to live in the Seattle area and need a great therapist, go see my incredible & talented friend, Emily Rich at Enrichment Counseling and Wellness Center. If you’re north of Seattle, go see the fabulous Sara Jones at Wright Way Counseling in Arlington).

Conversation Starters

Lastly, I mentioned earlier that I believe it would have helped for us to have an in-depth conversation about children prior to being married, or early in our marriage. So I put together a list of questions that you may find are worth discussing with your partner. Maybe pull out a couple of them on your next date night or print them out and play a little game? Let’s do it.

1. How many kids do you envision having?

2. What are the factors involved in choosing your “number?” (Size of your current family? Desire for a moe simple life? Desire for at least one boy and one girl?)

3. What things do you envision accomplishing in your life prior to having kids? Check all that apply. (Obviously some of these are a bit ridiculous, but still good conversation starters)

____ Established career, completing _____ number of years in my job

____ Travel to _____________________________

____ Travel overseas

____ Buying a home

____ Having _____ dollars in savings

____ Making more than _____ dollars a year

____ Getting completely out of debt or having less than x dollars of debt

____ Having _____ friends have kids

____ Having _____ number of hours at home for kids

____ Having my weekends off

____ Having _____ number of hours of paid time off

____ Be at least _____ years old

____ Be no more than _____ years old

____ Complete _____ activities (skydiving, backpacking for _____ days, be in _____ ’s wedding)

____ Learn more about babies – watch friend’s babies, videos, parenting classes, etc.

____ Get healthy (lose _____ pounds, compete in _____ race or athletic event)

____ Have _____________________________________________ resolved in our marriage

____ Improve my relationship with God in this way: __________________________________

____ Have a routine of church/volunteering/service activities established

4. How old do you envision being when your kids are 10? When they graduate high school?

5. How much do you envision being present in your kids’ lives?

Analysis:

1. We agreed on _______________________________

2. We disagreed on ______________________________

3. We will work to resolve these issues by __________________________ (ideas: doing my part to thoughtfully consider compromise, attending therapy, diligent prayer, read ______ book, etc)

4. We will talk about these things again on _________________________

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Thank you for joining me on this journey! I love hearing your stories, so drop a comment and tell me more!! Is this impacting you? Are you in a place similar to where we were? I can’t WAIT to hear!

On Saturday, I wrap things up in Part 4 of 4 of my Family Planning During Medical Training series. I’m talking about ANOTHER tough subject…fertility. I’ll share about my fertility journey and the tips I learned along the way. You won’t wanna miss it if you or anyone you know is about to start trying for a babe, or who is in the early stages of trying!

See ya there, friends! And as always, THANK YOU for the love and support!!

XO!

Honestly,

AM 🙂

More About Me: Hi! I’m Ann Marie, a blogging mama of 3 tiny gals, and a wife to a busy Orthopedic Surgeon. You can find me right here for a weekly smattering of inspiration for your motherhood journey, home, marriage (I see you other medical wives!), style, and beauty. You’ll find me most active on Instagram or Facebook for life between blog posts. And I truly can’t wait to see you there, friend. ❤️💋

To connect, shoot me an email at honestlyannmarie@gmail.com ❤️