The Benefits of Besties

There was a moment, after my husband started residency, when I realized that after living in a new place for nearly two years, I had, well, exactly 2 friends. That’s an average of 1 per year. (Way to go, me).

It felt…unhealthy. I was lonely. My husband was working “80” hours per week as per work hour restrictions, but it felt closer to 120 with his research and other extracurriculars. I kept myself busy by doing a lot of running and picking up extra shifts at work, but I was missing the life-giving community that, especially as an extrovert, I craved. It became quite clear that I needed some friends. Some girlfriends. I needed other people, besides my husband, that I could pour into, and vice versa. Spoiler alert: I did find these amazing friends, thank goodness!

Personally, I found that it takes patience, sacrifice, and a liiiittle bit of luck to find my perfect place within a new community, and in particular, with other gals. And recently, I’ve learned that those sacrifices, not only are they worth it, but they are necessary in order to thrive as a human.

The Value of Friendship

Friendships are immensely valuable. A healthy, deep, reciprocal friendship can have a positive impact on many aspects of our lives. And, good news: there’s so much research about it!

But before we dive in, you should know that when I say a “healthy” friendship, I’m thinking about a definition like this one in THIS article by Psychology Today: “Healthy relationships are characterized by: compassion, security, safety, freedom of thinking, sharing, listening, mutual love and caring, healthy debates and disagreements, and respectfulness, especially when there are differences in opinions.”

These types of relationships, if we are blessed to have them, are known to change our lives for the better. Here are some of the ways we can be positively impacted by them:

1. Friendship allows us the opportunity to learn and grow from others.

Our friendships have an impact on who we are and what we become. And hallelujah(!!) for that, because I’ve learned so many great things that have been important to my well-being (and towel-folding skills). My friends have taught me so. much. For example, I used to be the WORST at taking care of myself during work, until my friend Molly literally demanded that I stop work in order to take a lunch break every day. I started to realize my hard work was WORTH that lunch break. My friend Emily, in New York, has taught me that long-term friendships are worth investing in, and that when people don’t give up on you, you shouldn’t give up on them. My friend Stephanie, (who is flying in from Alabama THIS WEEK!!!!), has taught me that the best friendships are those where you can always pick up where you left off. And it’s okay to have blonde moments. I will still be loved. Claire continues to teach me that stepping out of my comfort zone can have many positive benefits! My friend Sarah has taught me ALMOST EVERYTHING I know about child sleep, home organization and domestic life. (And there was so much to learn!!!) Kimberly taught me it’s okay to mourn infertility while still remaining hopeful. Vanessa taught me to appreciate every single day of growing older, as it’s not promised to anyone. My friends Addie, Sara, and Emily, teach me every day that being me is exactly who I need to be. That I will be accepted, flaws and all.

And there are so many, many other friends, with many other valuable lessons I have gleaned from them along the way. We don’t have all the answers. Thankfully though, through our friendships, we gain insight and knowledge about the world and ourselves. This knowledge, and the influence of friends we admire and respect, helps to shape us into better humans. Hooray for that.

2. Friendships give us the opportunity to be vulnerable with others.

Brene Brown gave a Ted Talk on vulnerability back in 2011 (watch it HERE). If you haven’t heard of her, she’s fabulous and is affectionately deemed a “researcher storyteller” in the referenced video. In the research she presents here, she analyzed the behaviors and interviews of individuals living life which she described as “whole-hearted.” And the people that were living most wholeheartedly were those that allowed themselves to be vulnerable.

So here’s the thing. You need more than just “friends.” You need people in your life with whom you’re okay being vulnerable. In Brene’s words, “They were able to let go of who they thought they should be in order to be who they were.” These are the friendships we need to foster. An unguarded, accepting type of friendship where we can safely experience all parts of life with vulnerability and truth.

When we have these kinds of healthy relationships in which we are vulnerable, we open ourselves up to live a happier, more whole-hearted life.

3. Friendships help us grow our resource pool.

Our friends have a way of coming to our aid when they encounter a resource that may help us (and of course we do the same for them!) Hey, you need a babysitter on Friday? Well, my little sister is available to help! You need some baby clothes? My cousin is getting rid of hers! You’re struggling with a relationship with a parent? I read this book that may help.

Without contact and communication with your buds, you may never know about many of the possible opportunities that exist to make your life easier.

4. Friendships can increase our happiness and overall health.

Studies have shown that individuals with stronger community and support systems are happier people. They have more confidence, self-esteem, optimism, and a stronger sense of self-worth, to name a few. One individual’s happiness can even work its way through his/her friend groups, having an impact of up to three degrees of separation! (According to Happify).

Additionally, there have been studies that link strong, supportive friendships to a longer lifespan. THIS Live Science article interestingly cites research that indicates that “the effect of social ties on life span is twice as strong as that of exercising, and equivalent to that of quitting smoking.” Crazy, right? Those with strong social circles also tend to have fewer health problems, such as depression, obesity, and high blood pressure. There is also a link between friendships and lower levels of stress. (THIS article by Mayo Clinic discusses it and links to several in depth research articles).

Side note: the converse appears to be true as well, with lack of a social circle being linked with higher rates of adverse health conditions such as chronic illness. (That’s all in THIS article by the Psychology Today). Bummer to that.

5. Friendships can provide support during the trials of life.

Life is full of unexpected twists and turns. Part of our job as friends is to support our people when they’re in need, and vice versa.

My best friends and I have been there to support each other through the difficult seasons as we encounter them. Between us gals, we’ve experienced intense grad school stress, difficult childbirth situations, babies in the NICU, postpartum depression, major surgeries, deaths of friends and family members, a spouse in residency, job changes, chronic illnesses in family, etc. Though I wish I could go back to some of those times and be even more supportive, I’m grateful we all had each other to lean on each other during those days.

6. Friendships give us the opportunity to give to, and pour into, the lives of others.

I’ve been talking about the value that friendships have to YOU, but returning the joy of friendship is a gift in itself. Being a friend to someone is a great responsibility. You have the opportunity to be a potential source of encouragement and inspiration to someone you care about and THAT, my friend, is a big deal. When we give to our friends, with our listening ear, encouraging words, affirmations, acceptance, empathy, time, resources, etc, we are strengthening that friendship bond, and the stronger that bond, the more we end up receiving from the friendship. So it’s a snowball effect of health and positivity.

And also, no one really wants to be in a friendship that isn’t reciprocal anyway! So return the favor of being a great friend!

These next two are for the moms in the room:

7. Friendships help us to better combat feelings of isolation as a mom.

Becoming a mom can be a lonely and isolating experience. Early in mom-hood, your hormones are crazy. You likely have no idea what you’re doing. Becoming a mom is accompanied by a whole new way of doing “life.” EVERYTHING changes, and that in itself is a hard transition. You need a strong support system, especially during the early months, so that you know you’re not alone and you still have that necessary backing from your buds. Also, you’ll have about 52,000 questions about having a new baby, and it’s nice to bounce ideas off of others and hear encouraging voices remind you that you’re doing a great job and that they still want to hang out with you even if you haven’t showered in 3+ days.

For those of you who decide to cut back on work hours and subsequently spend more time at home…it can sometimes be an even more lonely place to be, even with a plethora of tiny people around. I’m going to talk more about friendships and being a parent in a later post, but for now, just know that maintaining friendships as a mom can be hugely important to continuing to feel supported and not alone.

My advice to those brand new moms: your friends may not be sure how to approach you as a new mom…they may wonder if you want alone time? Are you too tired to take on visitors? Is a visit going to cause more stress? So be sure to reach out to them and let them know what you need as the new mom. Communication is the key!

8. Friendships allow us to engage in meaningful conversation with other adults.

Talking about pee pee and using “kind words” and having “gentle hands” is, like, really great. (Sense the sarcasm). But we all need to exercise the other parts of our brain at times. Now that I stay at home with my girls, my sources of adult interaction are often quite limited. So limited, in fact, that I most often talk to my husband, my brother, my parents, and then the librarian over the phone at the local library since I can NEVER seem to remember when story time starts. In fact, I sometimes find there’s even a strange transition period to adjust from mommy-land to being with other adults.

But getting to go deeper with people who matter to me helps me to reflect on parts of life that I don’t often evaluate within my daily mom routine. My friends challenge me through adult, meaningful conversations, thus enriching my life tremendously.

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

So the bottom line here today is that friendships = valuable.

There is a TON of research on friendships and community. An overwhelming amount, in fact. This is just a teeny tiny sampling of what I uncovered.

We are made, as humans, for relationships with others. Relationships matter.  So, shoot your best friends a text. Give them a big, big hug. Tell them you value them. Commit to being an even better friend to others. Because your friends are making you, AND your life, better.

❤️What do you love about YOUR friends?! ❤️

So very much love to all my friends out there! And you, my friend, are among them. Thanks for being with me today!

XOXO!

Honestly,

-AM ❤️❤️

Speaking of friends, I’d love to be friends with you on Instagram or Facebook if we aren’t already! See you there, loves!

More About Me: Hi! I’m Ann Marie, a blogging mama of 3 tiny gals, and a wife to a busy Orthopedic Surgeon. You can find me right here for a weekly smattering of inspiration for your motherhood journey, home, marriage (I see you other medical wives!), style, and beauty. You’ll find me most active on Instagram or Facebook for life between blog posts. And I truly can’t wait to see you there, friend. ❤️💋

To connect, shoot me an email at honestlyannmarie@gmail.com ❤️