The Contract: An Ultimate Doctor’s Wife Compromise

Oh wow. Okay, so today we get super-personal. Hope you’re ready. And by “you,” I mean “me.” ❤️🎉

In my last post, Private Practice versus Academics: The Family Perspective, I hinted at the fact that I was not initially in favor of staying in Seattle after 5 long years of residency and a one year fellowship.

I loved our community, our church, my job, but, quite frankly, I had no intention of making Seattle a long(er)-term situation. In fact, when the time came for my husband to start looking for his “real” job, he casually mentioned that he was considering a visit to a practice in town (to innocently get information about the group). I quite firmly advised him not to go. Nope. Nope. Nope.

I wasn’t trying to be selfish. Let the record show that I had a history of being very supportive when it came to his training.

Actually, let’s talk about that for a minute. We’ll back up for the evidence, because it is, indeed, relevant. (Side note: I’ve been listening to a LOT of true crime podcasts lately).

When my husband was making his rank list for residency, he was trying to decide between ranking Seattle or Nashville first on his list. For those of you unfamiliar with the process, this means he got to make a list of where he would LIKE to train, but they had to choose him, as well. I really wanted to live in Nashville (and *clearly* this is all about me 😂). I thought Nashville would be a perfect place to live and eventually start a family. Also, I am a huge country music lover, and I was drawn to the vibe of the city. But after lots of prayer, as well as consideration of the many pros and cons, it was obvious that heading to Seattle was best for my husband’s training path and a better fit for his West Coast personality. So, yes, I eventually fully supported his decision to rank the Seattle-based residency first. And he did. And he got it. (Yay!)

In the back of my mind, I held on to hope that I would get to choose our next location after residency, and that it would be somewhere…

sunnier?

However, I never actually communicated these thoughts to my husband. So when it snuck up on me that he would have to choose a place of employment (soon!), I wasn’t mentally prepared for the possibility of staying in Seattle (again).

But alas. He did go visit that practice I mentioned earlier. (Don’t worry, I reconsidered and encouraged him to go get some info). Then, of course, he was subsequently faced with the opportunity of a lifetime from them. In Seattle.

So we, together, discussed how to come to a place of resolution about this. It was incredibly important to us, as the rockin’ team that we are, that we were both excited about our next adventure.

In my alone time, I prayed that God would change my heart. How do I become not just “okay with” but actually supportive of a decision that would likely impact where we live for the rest of our lives? Or at least the foreseeable future?

With my family in the deep south of Alabama and Florida, Seattle felt extremely far away from them. It’s not an easy trip, to say the least. 14 hours of travel MINIMUM. I have learned a lot about traveling with kids (don’t miss my tips HERE!) but those 14 hours are still bru.tal. All of that to say that committing to Seattle for a longer amount of time was just not something that could be taken lightly.

I couldn’t imagine a lifetime of being bitter about this decision, either. And after exhausting the conversations about it, I was still balking.

Until he mentioned the contract.

He had this “crazy” idea that just might bring us closer to a resolution. And he was right.

The Contract

The contract would be between he and I. Basically, the terms of this “contract” were as follows:

1. He would get to accept his dream job in Seattle.
2. I would get to decide everything else about our lives.

Hmmm. This suggestion immediately peaked my interest, because there were some things I had been wanting that we hadn’t yet agreed upon. It seemed like the perfect solution for us!!

I quickly dove on board and started drafting the contract. He said I could make it as long as I wanted with however many requests I wanted. Super.

I began with an intro.

In the spirit of compromise, I, ________________________, agree to the following terms and conditions of our stay here in the Seattle area, as determined by Ann Marie. These terms are stated in an effort to come to a place of mutual agreement for both parties. ______________________ freely selected his job and location of said job, and has agreed to allow Ann Marie similar freedom with the selection of all other applicable living decisions.

Sounded reasonable to me. Also: ridiculous. But here we go!! 🎉🎉🎉

Now for the list.

I started:

1. Though we previously discussed having two children, we will try for three, (if God blesses us with these gifts)!

I mean, go big or go home, right?

That felt nice. So I kept going.

2. Ann Marie will make the final decision of the location of our home on the east side, which includes the city and the selection of the actual home.

If I was going to stay in Seattle, I felt strongly about not living in the city anymore. (Spoiler alert: we got the perfect house outside of the city, amidst pastures and rolling hills).

I got a little off-track on item #3: We will have an icemaker in every future home.

I mean, I was tired of emptying ice trays. What can I say?

I won’t list every point here, but there were 15 in all. Some other highlights: he will run a race of my choosing with my every year, we’ll go to Disney World within 5 years, we’ll have a travel budget for friends and family on the east coast to visit, we’ll get a larger car when we expand our family (of my choosing). Then there were self-care points, like getting a housekeeper occasionally, and having date nights, and supported nights out with my girlfriends.

I finished it up, and nervously presented it to him in all its glory. All of this was going to be expensive.

I tried not to stare at him while he read it. But immediately after reading, he just looked at me and said…

“perfect.”

My head was racing…did he really just agree to have three kids just like that? Was he actually okay with all of these requests?

In short, yes. Yes he was. He never once questioned any of the things I put on the list. And today, over three years later, he supports and encourages me/us to follow through with these requests, even if he is inconvenienced by them.

In fact, at the time, I told him that he didn’t need to “actually” sign this thing, and he immediately shut that down and said that he wanted to do it, even if he didn’t “need” to, as a gesture of his commitment to meeting my needs/desires. So we signed it. Both of us. And here’s the pic to prove it. 🙂

I know what you’re thinking. This is weird. This is unconventional.

Honestly, it’s probably not for every marriage. Maybe a contract isn’t right for you. But I guarantee you, compromise is.  And for us, this felt like a very healthy way to feel like we were being heard in our relationship. It was a win-win. We settled here in Seattle as my husband desired, but I got to feel like I had a voice in all of our decision-making processes. AND, we have our third little gal and she is such a delight that I CANNOT IMAGINE life without her. Again…#winning. (Truthfully, I know my husband did want a third, but this gave him a reason to drop any hesitations he had).

Being married to a doc in training can make you feel like you have no control over your own life. Finding your voice can be difficult (I wrote about that HERE), especially when you’re dragged all over the country to places that you weren’t sure you ever really wanted to be. But I learned to trust God. Trust the plan. Lean on Him.

I saw God work through this. He brought us closer together (me + God AND me + husband). He also DID change my heart. I’m sure the contract alone was not the answer. It is now, retrospectively, very clear that this is where God intends for us to be.

So what’s the message here? It’s communication, support, love for your spouse, love for God. And compromise. Be willing to sacrifice for each other. Then link arms and take on what’s next.

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

I’m THRILLED you were here today. Drop me a comment and let me know what you’d put in YOUR contract!!! Ha!

Don’t forget to find me on Facebook or Instagram for more fun between posts. I’d love, LOVE to see you there!

XOXO!!!

Honestly,

Ann Marie ❤️

More About Me: Hi! I’m Ann Marie, a blogging mama of 3 tiny gals, and a wife to a busy Orthopedic Surgeon. You can find me right here each week, where I help women and mamas like you live your most joy-filled and beautiful lives! I’m inspired by so many topics, and I share them ALL with you: I’m talking home decor, motherhood, style, beauty, marriage (I see you other medical wives!) and more. Encouraging progress, not perfection. You’ll find me most active on Instagram or Facebook for life between blog posts. And I truly can’t wait to see you there, friend. ❤️💋

To connect, shoot me an email at honestlyannmarie@gmail.com ❤️