In childhood, you spent many full days with your best friends: if you were like me, you were climbing trees, making up dances, creating new games, often at the expense of younger siblings (yeah, sorry lil’ bro!). As you get a little older, you continue to see your friends often: at school daily, or during sleepovers, maybe on trips with school or church, or perhaps at some kind of extracurricular activity if you share the same sport or outlet.  If you head to college, you may live in the same dorm or apartment as your buddies, or sign up to be in the same classes, or in my case, be in the same intense show choir (true story). Through these early phases of life, your best friends are often within arms reach.

If you’re like me, this fact went unappreciated at the time. Because things…change.

After college, you pack up, move away, maybe get married, maybe not, but either way, suddenly your friends just…aren’t as accessible. It requires effort to connect with the friends you had. Then when faced with finding new friends (*gasp*), well, that’s another story entirely.

This transition, the one between collegiate friendships and then adult friendships after marriage, didn’t come especially easy to me.

During this time, my sweet husband valiantly attempted to fill that void in my life. He tried to get excited about my random life discoveries and musings. He attempted to process with me my insecurities and feelings of triumph or failure. He wanted to relate to my discussions about my desire to be a mom and my career goals, and…everything. After all, he IS truly my best friend. But, he just wasn’t able to fill that…void. That missing piece in my life.

Friendships are important. I actually wrote a post which includes some research about how important they are if you want to check that out here: The Benefits of Besties. But, look. It’s not easy. If you’re like me, it’s easy to come up with excuses to miss the next hangout. So. many. excuses: I’m too tired to make the effort to schedule anything. I can’t possibly add anything else to my plate right now. I have failed _____ and they probably don’t even want to hang out with me right now.

All the excuses. I’ve had them, too.

If you’re a mom, then your free time is now more precious than ever before. So CUT THE BS and get into the hard stuff.

Steps to Deepening Your Friendship Connections

Okay, great, friendships are important. But how do we do this? What do we actually do on a daily basis that makes this work?

Well, I’m glad you asked, friend. Here are some strategies that have been game-changers for me:

1. Be open to making new friends.

Close friendships have to start somewhere. Keeping an open mind to making new friends is extremely important in order to find the right friendships for you when they come along.

I haven’t lived in this part of Seattle for very long, and I’ve been entrenched and bogged down by babyland for the better part of the last year. In public, I had been barely functional; not one to make small talk or converse with strangers. In fact, I was usually so drained that I was perfectly happy sitting silently next to other moms on playgrounds or classes my kids were in.

But one day, it was more sunny than it had been in a while. It was a fantastic day. I was feeling great. I put on REAL pants, with, like, buttons and a zipper (not required to make friends, BTW), and I took my three gals to the playground. Enter: Claire. Immediately I was drawn to her energy and just knew we would connect. I’ve now known her for nearly a year and it is CLEAR that our friendship is super special. But if I had not been in a positive mindset that day, maybe I wouldn’t have chatted with her, or been willing to be a little vulnerable to ask for her contact info!

Simply being open to letting new people into your life can make a difference.

2. Prioritize your friendships.

I don’t mean to make a rank list of all of your friends and cross out the few on the bottom. Because…ouch. But it IS worth considering whether you want to be a mediocre friend to lots of people or a fabulous friend to a few? Your answer to this question will depend on your personality and needs, but if you find yourself with a lot of surface level relationships and without the deeper connections that allow you to be honest and vulnerable, then it may be time to focus more on going deeper with those that you vibe with the most.

One other thing about this. Be okay moving on from a friendship that isn’t healthy.

According to THIS article in Psychology Today:

“Healthy relationships are characterized by: compassion, security, safety, freedom of thinking, sharing, listening, mutual love and caring, healthy debates and disagreements, and respectfulness, especially when there are differences in opinions.

Toxic relationships are characterized by: insecurity, abuse of power and control, demandingness, selfishness, insecurity, self-centeredness, criticism, negativity, dishonesty, distrust, demeaning comments and attitudes, and jealousy.”

Legit, aintnobodygottimeforthat toxic stuff. Especially you, mama.

3. Look for friendships among those in the same stage of life.

We tend to choose friends who are similar to us and share common interests. It makes it easier to relate, have things to talk about, and enjoy similar activities with!

It’s also important to have friendships with others who are in the same life stage. When my husband was in medical school, I clung closest to the other med student wives. Now, my best friends are also new moms. In fact, my friend Sara, a Marriage & Family Therapist, has talked about how it’s “…important to have people in the same developmental stage of life that you are in to relate to you, support you, and let you know that you are most definitely not alone in the emotions and experiences you are facing.”

I completely agree.

It’s so nice to know I’m not the only one buried in endless piles of laundry and spending a majority of my day holding my breath while wiping bums.

4. Consider diversifying your friendships as well.

It’s also a good idea to diversify your friendships by having some in your life who share differing points of view or interests. By doing this, you’re exposed to different ways of thinking about the world around you, helping to grow and evolve. It’s great to have friendships that challenge you.

It’s also nice to know others/be in relationship with others who are one step ahead of you in life. They can relate to where you are and help you move to the next stage with ease!

So How do I Make It Work?

Everyone is busy. Parents, non-parents…ev-ery-one. Free time is exceptionally valuable. I feel like it truly has become more difficult since I became a parent. Now my schedule revolves around nap times and meal times, and preschool schedules and soccer games. The window in which I can see my friends has become ever more tiny. And it only takes one unexpected poop explosion or one bad traffic afternoon to totally obliterate the chance of quality time with friends.

Here are some ways I’ve found to reduce the logistical nightmare of scheduling friend-dates, so that more time is spent together and connecting.

1. Make plans for your next get-together before you leave.

I see my friends a lot more consistently when we plan our next get-together before we head out. As soon as I leave, I get immediately distracted by life, and it can take days, weeks, etc, to connect back with that friend for the next “date.” By scheduling before you leave, you increase the chances of seeing them again sooner, rather than later.

2. Come up with reasons to get together often or regularly.

I love doing normal life things with my friends, and if it’s something we can do on the reg, even better. I love events such as book clubs, bible studies, or girl’s nights for regular connecting. Other ideas include enrolling your kids in the same classes, picking a hobby to do together regularly (like running, skiing, painting class, or playing guitar, for example).

3. Consider scheduling a babysitter for the same evening once every two or three weeks!

In my “contract” with my hubby (read more about that ridiculousness here: The Contract: An Ultimate Doctor’s Wife Compromise, I put that I get a night out with my gals once every three weeks. I’ll admit, and this is my fault, not his, that I’m not always the BEST about making sure it happens. But man, oh man, when it does, I am the happiest. But I love having a set date, because I’m more likely to protect it.

4. Connect regularly in-between visits.

Texting is obviously great for this! If you’re interested in checking out some other connection-based apps, here are some others that I’ve used and enjoyed:

Instagram messenger – So many options with Instagram messenger now! You can create groups and edit photos and videos. It works similarly to Snapchat, IMO, but with less funky filters. I also love that the content doesn’t go away, unless you change the setting so that it expires.

FB messenger – similar to Instagram messenger! I love that it is accessible on desktop!

Snapchat – perfect if you love to share pictures and videos and don’t mind them disappearing forever in 24 hours or less (depending on your settings).

Marco Polo – Great video chatting app that works well while on the go!

GroupMe – Perfect for including multiple people!

Whatsapp – Another app that is designed for chats and calls with friends. It’s been a while since I’ve used it, to be honest!

I have a core friend group of four gals, and we have text, Snapchat, and Instagram messenger threads, affectionately dubbed “The Best Group Around.”

You Can Do It.

So, to the new mom trying to manage friendships under the new lens of baby rearing, don’t give up. Don’t isolate yourself. Share your experiences, reach out even though you barely have enough energy to brush your teeth.

To the spouses of medical students and residents finding your way in a new location, invest in your “right now” community. Even if in a 1-year fellowship, I am confident you can find your people. In fact, we did a 6-month fellowship, and the relationships I had during that time will stick with me for my whole life. You can learn from anyone. Befriend other spouses. Even if you’re not feeling it right now, there will be a time when you are desperate for the support of others who are navigating the same, unpredictable waters.

Shoot your friends a text. Tell them how important they are.

You won’t regret your efforts.

I DEFINITELY don’t do everything right. I’ll be the first to say that I’ve made a lot of mistakes in friendships (I’m a top offender for not responding to messages promptly!!!) But these reminders help keep me (closer) to on track and I hope they’ll help you, too.

What other ways have you found to connect with your friends?! Let me know if there are apps or ideas we should all hear about!

Thanks for joining me again, friends!

XO!❤️

biggest love and greatest blessings,

ann marie 🖤